


Sonic and Friends watches Sword Art Online Abridged

by Pyro_the_Elemental



Series: Characters Reaction series [3]
Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comic), Sword Art Online Abridged
Genre: Reaction, Swearing, references to other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24112162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyro_the_Elemental/pseuds/Pyro_the_Elemental
Summary: After the defeat of Perfect Dark Gaia by the hands Super Sonic and Chip/Light Gaia, controlling the Gaia Colossus, the Freedom Fighters decided to relax and enjoy the peace that they have for the time being. With Tails discovering an anime that peaked his interest. The series is called 'Sword Art Online Abridged', and our characters are going to see one hell of a show.
Series: Characters Reaction series [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1739410
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	1. Prologue

The world of Mobius is finally settled since it was shattered, releasing a demonic creature from within named Dark Gaia, the imbodiment of darkness that covers the world in shadows every thousand years, only to be put to rest by his counterpart, Light Gaia, and with the assistance of Sonic the Hedgehog and the Freedom Fighters, along with the seven legendary Chaos Emeralds in their possession, they defeated Dark Gaia and returned him to the planet's core along with Light Gaia.

The pieces of the planet have been reconnected once again, with Angel Island safely floating above the lands, thanks to the recollected Master Emerald. Although, severals towns and cities are dealing with some small unusual weather patterns from the aftermath of the whole "Shattered World Crisis" everyone, even the media, has dubbed it. The military of G.U.N., the Guardian Units of Nations, were starting to recollect and recover from being spread out so thin throughout the crisis.

As for the Freedom Fighters, they were heading back home to Mobotropolis with a few of them mourning over the loss of Chip, otherwise known as Light Gaia, as he trapped himself with it's evil counterpart. Not without leaving a parting gift to Sonic, his necklace, to which the Blue Blur wears as a bracelet.

Several days have passed as Sonic, Sally, and Amy tell their tales to King Acorn of their adventures throughout the crisis. From recovering the Master Emerald from Walter Naugus, to entering a Chaos Emerald Championship hosted by Breezy the Hedgehog to win a Chaos Emerald.

No body knows where Dr. Eggman ran off too, but the Freedom Fighters know that he'll be back with something new for world domination, whatever it maybe. But for now, Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Sally, and Amy decided to hang out and spend some quality time together. Until the pink hedgehog thought of something, "Hey, since non of us have anything better to do, why don't we watch something?"

"Ooh, I know, I found this anime-looking show called 'Sword Art Online Abridged' and it seems to look interesting." mentioned Tails, with everyone agreeing with him. Knuckles was hesitant at first, but thought the Master Emerald should be fine for the next few hours or so.

They all travel to Tails' workshop and parked themselves onto a chair with a T.V. not far from them. Sonic and Sally wanted to sit next to each other with Tails sitting on the opposite side of the blue hedgehog, while Knuckles and Amy either sat on the floor or on a single chair. The two-tailed fox turned the screen on and loaded the first episode of Sword Art Online Abridged.


	2. Episode 1

_**(Episode opens with a player putting on his NerveGear and boots up Sword Art Online.)** _

**PLAYER: Link, start!**

_**(The game loads up and the player finds himself in the games starting zone.)** _

**PLAYER (thinking): _*Sighs* Sword Art Online. It's been a while since the beta. Wonder if they changed anything._** _ **(The player looks up and sees a bunch of ads.)**_ **Aw, come on! Really? That's just disgusting! Activate Ad Blocker.** _ **(An alert pops up saying "Purchase Ad Blocker DLC for $29.99?", causing the player to laugh.)**_ The Mobians watching are somewhat shocked and disappointed how people can be so greedy, regardless of the reasons, ***Sigh* I am gonna burn this f**ker to the ground.**

"Thank you censorship." blessed Sally, unaware of what is to come in future episodes.

_**(Cut to Opening.)** _

The members of the Freedom Fighters enjoyed the song that was playing throught the Opening. With Sonic admitting that he likes it, thinking that he would add it to his favourites music collect alongside Crush 40's albums.

_**(Cut to Floor 1: Town of Beginnings, West Field. The player and another player are fighting boars. Player 2 is hit in the balls and flies back.)** _

**PLAYER 2: D'aww! God!**

_**(He rolls on the ground in pain.)** _

**PLAYER 1: Wow. Congrats. You were defeated by a pig.**

"Yeah, that's quite humiliating." chuckled Knuckles.

"Coming from the guy who loses the Master Emerald more times than he can count." snickered Sonic.

**PLAYER 2: F*ck you man! That's, like, the pig from hell!**

"You sure about that," wondered Amy, "I'll beat that someone like Cream the Rabbit would defeat that thing."

**PLAYER 1: Really?** _**(Player 1 hurls a pebble and kills the boar.)** _ **My god. I've stumbled across the most powerful weapon in the game!**

**PLAYER 2: Stop.**

**PLAYER 1: The Mithril Pebble of Pig Smiting!**

Everyone laughed at Player 1's naming of a stone.

**PLAYER 2: Please stop.** _**(Player 1 takes a deep breath.)** _ **Doooon't.**

**PLAYER 1: For you see, long ago, this pebble was forged in the fiery pits of Tartarus, by the grand blacksmith of Lucifer himself. In a time before the world began...** _**(Hours later. The sun is beginning to set, and Player 1 is still rambling while Player 2 is sitting.)** _ **...And thus, Mardoza, Guardian of the Pebble, fell to his knees, and passed from this world, leaving behind the mighty weapon. For he knew that one day, its power would be required once more.**

"I wonder how much thought he put into making up such a story for just a pebble." awed Tails.

**PLAYER 2: Are you done?**

**PLAYER 1: Yes. *Hushed whisper* But the legacy of the pebble lives on.**

**PLAYER 2: I have a feeling you get beat up a lot in real life.**

**PLAYER 1: SHUT UP! Here I have power!**

"Sounds like you, buddy." the blue blur mentioned to his two-tailed friend.

_**(Player 2 gets up.)** _

**PLAYER 2: Right, anyway. I've a pizza coming, and I'm gonna meet up with some friends later. So thanks for the quick tutorial on pig slaying, and the not-so-quick tutorial on... rocks...** _**(Player 2 looks at Player 1's username.)** _ **"Ki-ri-to"?**

"Huh, that sounds like a really good video-game name." admitted the young fox.

**KIRITO: Hey, no problem. I had fun ta** **unting you...** _**(Kirito looks at Player 2's username.)** _ **"BallsDeep69".**

The Mobians burst out laughing at the ridiculous in-game name.

**BALLSDEEP69: *Laughs* Yeah. It's uh... It's, uh, just a joke name. Just a character to dick around with while I get the hang of the game. I'm gonna make my real character later.**

**KIRITO: Yeah. Yeah, no. No, I get it.** _**(Awkward silence.)** _ **So... um... your pizza?**

**BALLSDEEP69: Right, right. Loggin' out.** _**(Kirito turns to leave.)** _ **Hey, Kirito. Um, total noob question, but how do I log out?**

"Wait wha, how can he not know how to log out of a game?" questioned the pink hedgehog.

"Maybe he's new to such a different concole," responded the royal chipmunk, "I remember back when I first received Nicole for the first time." she said as her young memories flood through.

**KIRITO: Are you serious, man?**

**BALLSDEEP69: C'mon, man. It's NerveGear. I can't Alt-F4 this sh*t.**

**KIRITO: *Sighs* Alright, fine. It's right... here?**

_**(Player 1 opens his menu and see where the log out button should be is empty.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: Oh, thanks, players guide.**

**KIRITO: No, it's here. It's just... blank.**

**BALLSDEEP69: Wait. There's something scrolling across mine. "Hahahahaha hahahahaHAha hahaHAhaha hahahaha haha ha ha...".**

**KIRITO: I get it.**

"We get it." Knuckles and Amy groaned.

**BALLSDEEP69: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, there more... "ha".**

**KIRITO: Riveting.**

**BALLSDEEP69: Well, whatever. I'll just pull the NerveGear off, like... _so_!**

_**(BallsDeep69 tries to remove his NerveGear.)** _

**KIRITO: Hey, dumbass. It doesn't work that way. The NerveGear disables your motor functions so you don't move around while you play. Don't you remember all those videos of the beta testers?**

"Aw, this ought'a be good." smilied the echidna.

_**(Cut to video titled "NerveGear Beta Testing - Subject Theta's Wacky Hijinks :D". A beta tester walks into frame.)** _

**BETA TESTER: Woah. It's so life like.**

_**(The beta tester's roommate walks into frame.)** _

**ROOMMATE: Oh hey, man. How's the Nerve-**

**BETA TESTER: TROLL!!!**

_**(The Beta Tester proceeds to beat up his roommate.)** _

Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles chuckled at the violence being diplayed. While Sally and Amy tried not to laugh along with the boys.

_**(Cut back to the present.)** _

**KIRITO: So many lawsuits.**

"I can imagine." agreed Sally.

**BALLSDEEP69: Um, do you feel tingly?**

_**(Both of them are teleported to the town square.)** _

**KIRITO: No. Why?**

"The hell?" questioned Tails with curiosity.

_**(More players appear, all of whom started chatting with each other. A giant hexagonal "Warning" message appears in the sky.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: What the hell is that?**

**KIRITO: Well Ballsy, I believe the locals call it a... "hex-a-gon"? Not sure if I'm pronouncing that correctly, I'll have to check back with you.**

"Wow, Kirito seems like a real smart-ass." noticed Sonic.

"Sounds familiar." nodded the chipmunk as she looks at the blue hedgehog, who responded with a fake laugh.

**BALLSDEEP69: F**k off.**

_**(Red hexagons cover the sky, which starts to bleed.)** _

**KIRITO: Aaaaand the sky is bleeding.**

**BALLSDEEP69: Man, they're really working for that M rating.**

_**(The blood starts the gather together and spark.)** _

**GIRL: Oh my god. What's going on?**

**GUY: Don't worry, baby. I'll protect you.**

_**(Blood forms into a figure in a scarlet hooded cloak.)** _

**RANDOM PLAYER 1: Oh, it's a person.**

"Oh, it's a person." stated Knuckles as he echo's the random player within the series.

**KAYABA: Ladies and gentlemen. I am Kayaba Akihiko, head programmer. Welcome to the unparalleled online experience that is... Sword Art Onli-**

_**(Suddenly the crowd begins to chat to each other.)** _

**CROWD MEMEBER 1: Looking to sell 20 copper!**

**CROWD MEMEBER 2: LTB! LTB! LTB! LTB!**

**CROWD MEMEBER 3: Will anyone sign my Guild charter? Looking to start a Guild!**

**CROWD MEMEBER 4: Need tank! Need tank!**

**CROWD MEMEBER 5: Come back to World of Warcraft guys! It's been better, I swear!**

**KAYABA (while the crowd is talking): Um, hello? Hel- Hello? Um, hello, people? Kinda talking here. Focus. Kay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and disable general chat her-**

_**(He accidentally mutes himself and the player keep chatting.)** _

The Freedom Fighter members snickered at Kayaba muting himself.

**BALLSDEEP69: Do you think he realizes he just muted himself?**

**KIRITO: Give it a minute.**

_**(Kayaba unmutes himself.)** _

**KAYABA: Alright, I just realized what happened there. It's very funny. But right now, serious time. How many of you have seen Tron?** "I have, once." admitted Tails, _ **(Silence.)**_ **Ah? Ah?** _ **(No one responds.)**_ **W-What? Seriously?! None of you have seen Tron?! Sh*t, I was really banking that. Okay. Okay, no prob. I can wing this. *Clears throat* Much like the World of Warcraft, none of you are here by choice anymore. Unlike WoW, however, you are being held here by me, not by your need to escape your empty f**king lives. There is no longer any way log out of Sword Art Online. If someone on the outside attempts to log you out by removing your NerveGear, well... Has anyone seen Scanners?** "Nope!" the Mobians stated, _ **(Silence.)**_ **Uh, Scanners. It's- It's a movie that- Seriously?! Okay, gimme a sec. I'll just...** _ **(Kayaba browses the internet.)**_ **Alright, here we- here we go. Watch this.** _ **(Kayaba plays a clip of a man's head exploding.)** _"Holy...!" Knuckles outcried, with everyone having the same reaction, **Okay, that was from Scanners... and basically that.** _ **(The crowd gasps.)**_ **Okay, _finally_! Seeing some gears turning. We're making progress.**

**SHOCKED PLAYER: Why would you do such a thing?!**

**KAYABA: Stephen? *Eagerly happy* Stephen, is that you? Stephen, how are you enjoying that advance copy?**

**STEPHEN: I'm playing with my family!**

**KAYABA: *Laughing* Oh, that's right! Happy birthday Timmy!** _ **(Timmy cries.)**_ **Aw, they grow up so fast. Cherish these moments, Stephen. Cherish these moments. So, as I was saying, the only way to keep the NerveGear from going all Gallagher** "Is gallagher still a thing?" asked Amy with Tails shrugging his shoulders, **on your grey matter is to make your way through Castle Aincrad and beat Sword Art Online!**

**RANDOM PLAYER 2: So... you want us to beat an MMO?**

**KAYABA: Essentially.**

**RANDOM PLAYER 2: F**K YOU!**

**KAYABA: WOAH! Getting a lot of hostility here. Don't appreciate it.**

Sally Acorn agreed with Kayaba's unappreciation of swearing.

**RANDOM PLAYER 2: Well honestly! When was the last time you heard of someone _beating_ Everquest?!**

**KAYABA: When was the last time you heard of someone _PLAYING_ Everquest?!**

_**(Brief silence.)** _

**RANDOM PLAYER 2: That's fair.**

**KAYABA: Anywho, for all you guys who wanted to play as girls; and you know who you are, well, I've got a surprise for you.**

"Oh yeah, I gotta forgot that some players like to play as the opposite gender in video games." Miles Prowler remembered.

_**(Mirrors appear in every players hands, which turn their Avatars into what they really look like.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: Kirito?**

**KIRITO: Hmm?**

_**(The guy from early has turned into a fat boy and the girl has turned into a teenage guy.)** _

**FATTY: You're not a girl!**

**GIRL-GUY: And you're not 17!**

The boys burst out laughing at the Fatty and Girl-Guy's interaction, while the girls chuckled how the Girl-Guy looks ridiculous in female clothing.

_**(Brief silence.)** _

**FATTY: I'm okay with this!**

**GIRL-GUY: Me too!**

**RANDOM PLAYER 3: LOVE KNOWS NO GENDER!!!**

Amy and Sally laugh at Random Player 3's outburst.

_**(Cut back to Kirito and BallDeep69.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: You look so... young.**

**KIRITO: And you look less hairy, Balls.**

Sonic and Knuckles snickered at Kirito's nickname for BallsDeep69.

**BALLSDEEP69: My name is Klein.**

**KIRITO: *Laughs* No it's not.**

**KAYABA: As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are... fairly attractive twenty-somethings, apparently. Good for you. Kinda undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing I had planned, but still. Way to break down stereotypes. 'Cept you, fatty. Way to bring down the curve. OH, oh, oh! One more thing, one more thing! I should probably mention if your health points reach zero, your real bodies perish as well.**

**RANDOM PLAYER 4: WHAT?!**

"Yeah, please explain a bit more clearly." asked a confused pink hedgehog.

**KAYABA: Uh, okay. If you die in the game, you die for real.**

"Oh..." everyone expressed, knowing on what Kayaba is saying.

**RANDOM PLAYER 4: WHAT?!**

**KAYABA: Really? Okay. *Clears throat* Sometimes, things are born, they live, and then they stop. Forever.**

_**(Brief silence.)** _

**RANDOM PLAYER 4: WHAT?!**

_**(Kayaba groans and plays the Scanners clip again. The crowd gasps.)** _

"I really don't like that clip." groaned the young fox.

**RANDOM PLAYER 5: Oh my god! If we die in the game, we die for real!**

**KAYABA: Yeah, I'm just gonna keep that tabbed. And with that, I bid you all adieu.** _ **(Kayaba begins to fade away.)**_ **Oh, oh, oh! Last thing, I swear. I disabled the profanity filter.** Sally's face dropped in shock, **Haaave fun with thaaaat.**

_**(Kayaba fades away, disappearing with a comedic pop. The crowd is stunned into silence.)** _

**RANDOM PLAYER 6: WE'RE FUCKED!!!**

Everyone, minus Sally, laughed at Random Player 6's outcry.

_**(Cut to Kirito and BallsDeep69 in an alley.)** _

**KIRITO: Ballsy, I'm heading to next town, and I need your help.**

**BALLSDEEP69: Really? You need _my_ help?**

**KIRITO: Yeah. There's a Mini-Boss on the way, and I need cannon fodder. You in or out?**

_**(BallsDeep69 is stunned by the offer.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: As tempting as that sounds, I should really stick with my friends back there. They're about as skilled as I am. So, I figure we have a better chance of surviving if we stick together.**

"Sounds like a smart plan." admitted the chipmunk, once she recovered from her shock.

**KIRITO: Well, monkeys and typewriters.**

_**(BallsDeep69 glares at Kirito.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: *Slightly annoyed* In _ANY_ case. You may be the most UNBEARABLE asshole I've ever met, but you are REALLY good at this game. We could use you in our group. What you you say? You could meet my friends; we'll form a Guild and have all these adventures! It'll be great! **_**(Kirito's gone as a crow caw's.)**_ "Man, and I thought Sonic was fast at disappearing." mocked the echidna, **Well, screw you too! Think you're too good to join my Guild. Think you're all _cool_ cause you know how to kill a boar.**

_**(Cut to Kirito crying as he runs away.)** _

**KIRITO: *Crying* He called me an asshole!**

"Wow... I don't even know how to react to that." admitted Tails in confusion.

_**(Outro plays)** _

_**(Cut back to the YouTube video, where the beat test finishes beating up his roommate. He gets up and jumps for joy in his victory. The video is edited to resemble an RPG, with the messages "Got 25 exp. Points(s)", "Got 60 GP" and "Got 1 Manslaughter Charge(s)".)** _

Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles laugh as the man from the YouTube video finishes punching his roommate, only for them to continue laughing as the man starts jumping, receiving 3 messages.

Meanwhile with Sally and Amy, the contained their desire to laugh with the boys. Even when the messages appear on the screen.


	3. Episode 2

**DISCLAIMER**

**ASUNA: The following is a non-profit fan based parody. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA, and Reki Kawahara. Please support the official release.**

_**(An acoustic guitar plays in the background as montage of the events of and post Episode 1 appears on screen.)** _

**NARRATOR: A month had passed since that fateful day. When everyone's world got all twisted, leaving them stranded in a castle in the sky. Since then, 2000 poor souls came to an abrupt and tragic end.** "Two thousand people died in a month?! How?" Sally questioned, **Some by bad luck, others by sheer stupidity. I mean, really. Why would you just stand in fire?** "Yeah, why?" Knuckles wondered, **Anyways, that didn't bother The Kid none. He only cared about one thing, and one thing alone. Himself. 'Cuz in a game of life or death, you either live... or you die.**

_**(The scene transitions to Kirito leaning against a wall.)** _

**KIRITO: Oh, WOW. What brilliant insight! It's so deep it loops right back around to being stupid.**

**NARRATOR: The Kid ranted at no one, it slowly dawning just how alone he truly was.**

**KIRITO: Wait, what was that?  
**

"Wait, he can break the forth wall?" noticed Sonic, "I thought I was the only one who can do that."

**(A/N: Stop it, Sonic.)**

"Alright, alright... I won't bother." the blue hedgehog promised.

**NARRATOR: He asked the sky, like a preacher to his silent gods.**

**KIRITO: What gods? What are you talking about?! It's all bullshit metaphors with you!**

**NARRATOR: He cried, not knowing the difference between a simile and a metaphor. The tininess of his brain dwarfed only by the tininess of his di-**

The female Mobians muffuled their snickering to hide their immaturity.

**KIRITO: Narrator off.**

**NARRATOR: YOU-CAN-SILENCE-ME-BUT-YOU-CAN'T-SILENCE-THE-TRU-**

_**(Kirito turns the Narrator off.)** _

**KIRITO: Dick.**

Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles laughed at Kirito's insult.

_**(Cut to Opening.)** _

_**(Fade in to December 2, 2022 on a strategy meeting lead by Diabel.)** _

**DIABEL: Hey everyone. Thank you all for coming to our little powwow. Now, I know many of you may be discouraged by the fact that 2000 people have died so far.**

**PLAYER 1: WHAT?!**

**PLAYER 2: 2000 PEOPLE ARE DEAD?!**

**PLAYER 3: IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A MONTH YET!**

**PLAYER 4: OH MY GOD, WE REALLY ARE FUCKED!**

"O ye of little faith." quoted the red echidna.

**DIABEL: And I know even _more_ of you are a little down because we even haven't cleared the First Floor yet.**

**PLAYER 5: WE HAVEN'T?!**

**PLAYER 4: I THOUGHT WE WERE ALMOST DONE...!**

**DIABEL: Uh, you guys do know there are _100_ Floors, right?**

" feel like they'll all die by the time the everyone gets to about level 50 or so." redictied the young prodigy of the group.

**CROWD: WHAT?!**

**DIABEL: Oh jeez, I am just making things worse. Point is, we found the Boss Room!** _**(Crowd gasps.)** _ **Now, we've formulated a few strategies with some help from the beta testers-**

**???: BETA TESTERS?!**

**DIABEL: Oh goddamnit! _(A player named Kibaou jumps in.)_ Kibaou, what do you want?**

**KIBAOU: Beta testers? They're the reason we're stuck in this game!**

"Oh, he's one of _those_ types of people." noticed Amy.

"What type of people?" asked Sonic.

"The ones who blame others for something that they didn't do, and they ignore those who defend they." she summarises.

**DIABEL: What?! Do you have any evidence to back that up?**

**KIBAOU: Pfft! Evidence. I don't need no evidence.** "See?" the pink hedgehog points out, **Isn't that right, Jesus?**

_**(Kibous points to a player named "Jesus".)** _

**JESUS: It's pronounced "Hey-Zeus", and I don't know you.**

**KIBAOU: Well, they still should have helped us newbies!**

**???: If I might interject...**

_**(A big muscular black man gets up and comes to the stage.)** _

**KIBAOU: And who the hell are you?!**

**???: I am known by many names: "Mountain Slayer", "Thunder Lion", "The Chocolate Axe".** "The first two sound awesome, as the last one, I'm a bit conflicted." admited Knux, **But you? You may call me... "Tiffany".**

The rosie hedgehog burst out laughing at the last name.

**KIBAOU: T-Tiffany, huh? That's a... pretty masculine name.**

**TIFFANY: Shouldn't be. It's a woman's name.**

**KIBAOU: ...Kay, I don't know how to talk to you.**

**TIFFANY: Good. Then you can shut up and listen. Does everyone here have this book in their inventory?**

**PLAYER 1: Yeah.**

**PLAYER 2: Yes.**

**PLAYER 3: Yup.**

**PLAYER 4: Yeah.**

**PLAYER 6: No... Wait, can I change my answer?**

**TIFFANY: This book is full of tips and strategies on how to survive this game, put together by the beta testers. Everyone read it, yet some people still died. The beta testers did everything they could.**

**PLAYER 2: Actually, I didn't read it.**

**PLAYER 3: Yeah, I didn't read it either.**

**PLAYER 1: I skimmed it.**

Sally eyed Sonic since he hardly ever follows a strategy for long. Since his method is 'run fast, mash bots, beat Eggman', nice and simply, if too predictable.

**TIFFANY: What? Didn't ANY of you read it?! It is literally a matter of life and death.**

**PLAYER 2: Well, dude. It's like 80 pages.**

**TIFFANY: 2000 people are dead!**

**CROWD: THEY ARE?!**

"How can they forget about that many dead people?" Knuckles wondered, even he's not that forgetful.

"Short-lived tention span." answered Tails.

_**(Brief pause. Kirito looks shocked at their stupidity.)** _

**TIFFANY: I am _so_ done with you people.**

**PLAYER 2: What do you mean "you people"?**

_**(Tiffany and Kibaou take their seats.)** _

**DIABEL: So, as Mister Thunder Chocolate was saying, this book has some great strategies, including how to beat the First Boss, Illfang. _(Diabel clears his throat and starts reading from the guide.)_** **"So as you enter the Boss Room, he's gonna throw wave after wave of disposable minions at you... and you must answer in kind."...?**

"That... doesn't sound like a good idea." suggested the princess.

**PLAYER 1: Uh, what?**

**DIABEL: "Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb: If a player asks you for gold 2 seconds after meeting you, front lines."**

**KIBAOU: Ha, serves 'em right!**

**DIABEL: "If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines."**

**KIBAOU: Aw, shit.**

"Ha!" chuckled the blue hedgehog.

**DIABEL: "If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."**

**PLAYER 2: OH BULLSHIT!**

**PLAYER 3: THAT'S DISCRIMINATION!!!**

**PLAYER 4: BOO!**

"That's sound's reasonable, better luck next time, you perverts." Amy snickered.

 **DIABEL: Now, now, people. I think there are some valid points being made here. Now, it goes on to say when Illfang's health goes into the red, he's going to switch from his axe and buckler to something called a "Talwar". At that point we should initiate a strategy called "The Final Solution" and- I'm just gonna stop reading! Jesus, who wrote this thing? ( _Kirito giggles.)_** "Of course, he will have something to do with it." sighs Miles Prowler, **Okay, so the guide's a bust. But it'll be fine. I'll come up with a great plan for us.**

**PLAYER 5: Like what?**

**DIABEL: Well... we... could... Uh... Uhhhh... I'm open to suggestions.**

**PLAYER 7: Woah, guys, we could- we could, you know, like, group up and-**

**PLAYER 8: And hit it 'til it DIES!!!**

**PLAYER 7: _Woo_ , nice!**

**PLAYER 8: Yeah!**

**PLAYER 7: High five!**

_**(The two hive five.)** _

"I can get behind that stratigy." said Sonic with Knuckles agreeing with him.

**DIABEL: That's... a good start. But let's hear some other suggestions.**

**PLAYER 9: ***German accent*** I'd like to hear more about this "Final Solution".**

"Same here." admited Sally Acorn, unaware on how vile it may be.

**DIABEL: Fuck it, group up.**

_**(Kirito slides down the seats towards a girl, named Asuna, who's on her own.)** _

**KIRITO: So, why aren't, uh, you joining anyone's group?**

**ASUNA: I have my reasons.**

**KIRITO: Is it because you're a girl?**

"Is that sexist?" wondered the two-tailed fox.

**ASUNA: No. It's because... I don't know how to play.**

**KIRITO: Because you're a girl?**

"Okay, that has to be sexist." continued Tails.

**ASUNA: NO! It's just... I don't know how to open the menu.**

**KIRITO: What?! But you can't do anything in this game without the menu. How have you survived all month?**

_**(Cut to Asuna holding a piece of bread. She is staring at it intensely.)** _

**ASUNA: HOW DO I EAT YOU?!!!**

Everyone uncontrollable chuckled at Asuna's outcry at a piece of bread.

_**(Back to the present.)** _

**ASUNA: It's... been a challenge... What about you? Why haven't you join the others?**

**KIRITO: Oh, lots of reasons. Mostly because they're a bunch of mouth-breathing neckbeards who think "LMAO" is how French people laugh.**

"Why would they think that?" asked the pink hedgehog.

**PLAYER 3: Ha ha, that's so Le Mao!!!**

"Never mind." she groans.

_**(Kirito shudders.)** _

**ASUNA: Wow. You certainly... speak from the heart.**

**KIRITO: Funny, I thought I was speaking from my mouth. But, eh, shows what I know about biology.**

"This kid sounds almost as cocky as Sonic." stated the red echidna.

"Is that a challenge I hear?" grinned the blue hedgehog

"Don't encourage him." warned the hazel chipmunk.

**ASUNA: No one else wanted you in their group, did they?**

**KIRITO: Shut up! It was mutual!**

_**(Cuts back to Diabel.)** _

**DIABEL: Alright, looks like everyone's grouped up. Get plenty of rest tonight, people! We leave at noon!**

**PLAYER 2: *Groan* Noon?**

**PLAYER 3: That's so early!**

"How about you wake up at 4:30 for a stealth mission, see how long you'll last." argued Tails.

**DIABEL: *Sigh* Alright. What about 1 o'clock?**

**PLAYER 7: 1? Dude, come on!**

**DIABEL: *Groans* God, fine! We leave at the crack of... 2:30, I guess. Lazy butts...**

**PLAYER 4: Christ, I'm gonna have to set my alarm.**

"I'll be surprised if majority of they survive whatever they'll being fight up against." said Sally.

_**(Cuts to December 3, 2022 Floor 1: Illfang's Tower, 7:30pm. Everyone's at the Boss Door and everyone except Diabel is exhausted.)** _

**DIABEL: Okay, so there were a few more stairs than we realized. Apparently real life athletic ability translates into the game. Good to know.**

"If we were in there, we'll outlive everyone no problem." announced Sonic with a cocky smurk.

**PLAYER 1 (exhausted): Oh, god. I can feel my lungs trying to kill me.**

**PLAYER 2 (exhausted): Is this sweat?!**

**PLAYER 3 (exhausted): I peed a little.**

**DIABEL: Jesus, this is sad.** "I feel ya." admitted the princess, ** _(One player vomits.)_ Fuck it. Why don't you all just take a Cheetos and Mountain Dew break, and we'll reconvene in an hour.**

_**(1960 Batman-esque transition with Cheetos and Mountain Dew.)** _

**DIABEL: Dammit, guys! I was kidding! You weren't supposed to actually take an hour! God, we've lost so much time. Let's just do this already! You all know the plan! _(_** _**Illfang jumps into the center of the room and roars. Kobolds pop in, and error message pops up on the the third one that says "Error: "Sentinel_Shriek.wav" not found.")** _ **Alright, men! Form up and-**

**DUMB PLAYER: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!**

Amy sighs at the dumb player's warcry, "Somehow, I knew that would happen."

_**(The armies converge on each other.)** _

**DIABEL: What?! No! Goddammit guys! Squad B, quit attacking the Boss and keep the Sentinels off us! C, D, stop attacking from the front! Do you even know what "flank" means?! Squad F, for fuck's sake! Stop playing Bejeweled! ***Groans*** Squad G, get in there and help A and B!**

**KIRITO: Got it!**

**DIABEL: Don't talk back to... Holy shit, really?!**

_**(Kirito attacks a Sentinel, leaving Asuna to finish it off.)** _

**KIRITO: Okay, Asuna! What you're gonna wanna do here is-**

_**(Asuna lets out a Battle Cry and kills the Sentinel in one hit.)** _

The Freedom Fighters were very impressed of Asuna's style and movement with a blade.

**KIRITO (thinking): Wow, I thought she was hopeless, but her technique is flawless. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's even better than I-**

**ASUNA: Hey Kirito! I killed the thing and now it says I have XPs! Is that bad? Am I dying?!**

Only for them to face-palm at her lack of video game experience.

**KIRITO (thinking): Or... maybe... not.**

_**(Illfang's health drops into the red. He snarls at the players and he tosses his weapons.)** _

**DIABEL: Alright, men! This last part's gonna take careful coordination... which is why I'm just gonna do it myself!**

_**(Diabel charges his weapon art. Illfang draws his Ōdachi.)** _

"That's not a Talwar!" Knuckles said with shock.

**KIRITO: Oh shit! Diabel, look out! That's not a Talwar! It's an Ōdachi!**

**DIABEL: What's the difference?!**

**KIRITO: Well, a Talwar is of Indian descent while an Ōdachi is Japanese! While both are primarily slashing weapons, the Talwar was favored by cavalrymen, as opposed to an Ōdachi which was mainly used for dick measuring!**

The girls giggled at Kirito's descripion of the Ōdachi.

_**(As Kirito is talking, Illfang starts jumping off the walls.)** _

**DIABEL: What's your point?!**

**KIRITO: Well if you let me finish, I was getting to that! You see... _(Diabel gets hit by Illfang, screaming in pain.)_ Oops.**

_**(Illfang hits Diabel again, sending him flying.)** _

**KIBAOU: DIABEL!!!**

_**(Illfang pops down in front of Kibaou and roars. Message pops up "Bonus Item: Soiled Pants".)** _

**RANDOM PLAYER: Hey, rare drop!**

The Mobians laughed at the 'Bouns Item' drop, and even more so at the random player's excitement.

_**(Kirito runs over to Diabel.)** _

**KIRITO: I was trying to say an Ōdachi's a little bit longer than a Talwar, so it'll have more reach and do a bit more damage.**

**DIABEL: ***Weakly*** And why couldn't you say that first?**

**KIRITO: I like to think of myself as a teacher. Anyway, drink this.**

_**(Kirito tries to give Diabel a healing potion.)** _

**DIABEL: No. It's better this way. I just can't do it anymore. I had such high hopes at first. But now? Our best player is a girl who thinks DPS is some kind of sex thing.**

"That... doesn't sound right." Amy said with a twisted facial reaction.

**KIRITO: I know. It's weird, right?**

**DIABEL: You're clearly not like the rest of them. How do you stand it, Kirito? Where do you draw your strength?**

**KIRITO: I've been playing MMO's a long time, Diabel, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that lions do not concern himself with the opinions of sheep.** "Huh, sounds like Robotnik in a nutshell." commented the blue blur, **Just take that little voice in your head that tells you to be tactful and understanding... and shoot it. Shoot it in the goddamn face.**

"I'm just going to ignore that last part." mentioned the Acorn princess.

**DIABEL: You are so wise. If only I'd met you sooner. Perhaps, things would have been different. You must lead them now. Show them this game can be beaten.**

**KIRITO: In another life... in another time... I think we could have been friends.**

"Wow, this is a really emotional moment." Knuckles admitted as he trys to hide a tear.

**DIABEL: I... doubt it. _(Diabel dies.)_**

**KIRITO: Well fuck you, too!**

"And the moment's past." the red echidna deadpans, drying his tear.

_**(Asuna slips in by Kirito's side.)** _

**ASUNA: Alright, Kirito. Here's what we'll do. One counters his blows to knock him off balance and the other switches in to attack. Rinse. Repeat. Victory.**

"That... sounds like a better stratigy than 'hit it until it dies'." stated Sally.

**KIRITO: You came up with that, but you can't open a menu.**

_**(Illfang roars and they take off running toward him.)** _

**KIRITO: Alright, so you counter and I'll attack!  
**

**ASUNA: What? No, it's my plan! I should attack!**

**KIRITO: Fine, just get ready!**

_**(Kirito makes a battle cry and counters Illfang's attack.)** _

**KIRITO: SWITCH!**

_**(Asuna moves in and gets her cloak destroyed by Illfang before attacking.)** _

"Oh, that was too close." whimpered the rosie hedgehog.

**KIRITO: See? You almost got yourself killed! I'll attack him!**

**ASUNA: Oh, that was a fluke, and you know it! He's mine!**

_**(Asuna attacks Illgang.)** _

**KIRITO: He's mine!**

_**(Kirito blocks Illfang's next attack, but Asuna attacks him before Kirito can do so himself.)** _

**ASUNA: He's mine!**

**KIRITO: NO! HE'S! MIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!**

_**(Kirito slices Illfang and he explodes. Everyone is stunned. Lame party kazoo sound effect and a banner with the word "CONGRATULATION" appears.)** _

**RANDOM PLAYER: Yeah!**

"Well... that was tense as hell." admitted the blue hedgehog.

"Yeah, and it was only the first floor boss." reminded the two-tailed fox.

_**(Kirito is panting. He gets an item as a reward for defeating the Boss.)** _

**TIFFANY: Congratulation! That was even more impressive than that cat that learned to play.**

"Wait, what?" everyone questioned with confusion.

_**(Cut to a player with a cat's head, with a player named Jeffrey staring at it.)** _

**CAT: Meow.**

**JEFFREY: Oh my god! You guys can see it too?! So I'm not crazy! Isn't that great, Jesus?!**

_**(We see things from Jeffrey's perceptive, with a giant hallucination of Jesus Christ looming over the crowd.)** _

**JESUS: That's right, Jeffrey. Now... kill them all.**

**JEFFREY: ***Whispering*** As you command, my Lord.**

"That took a dark turn." mentioned Sally.

_**(Cut back to Tiffany talking to Kirito. The other players are applauding his victory.)** _

**TIFFANY: You've led us to victory, Kirito. These men and I will follow you to hell itself. Now... address your people.**

"Oh, this ought to be good." said Knuckles.

_**(Kirito gets up.)** _

**KIRITO: I always knew this day would come. Ahem. Fellow gamers! We have travelled far and up many stairs to get to this point. Fighting side by side, noobs and leets, alike. I'd like to take a moment to say that I couldn't have done it without the help of each and every one of you.**

**TIFFANY: Aw, that's a nice thing to say-**

**KIRITO: Of course, I'm not a liar, so I'm not gonna say any of that.**

"Oh no." whimpered the Master Emerald guardian.

**TIFFANY: Oh shit.  
**

**KIRITO: I mean, really. I could've done this whole Boss Fight myself. But to be fair, I guess you did absorb a bit of damage for me, which was nice. You were an adequate meat shield, and no one can ever take that away from you.**

**TIFFANY: Fuck. Fuck! Shut up! SHUT UP!**

**KIRITO: So for those of you who came in late, and that one guy playing Bejeweled back there... shoot for the stars... it'll make it more fun when I kick you back into the dirt.**

"Wow, this kid's like if Sonic was a dick." stated Sally.

"HEY!" outcried Sonic himself.

**KIBAOU: You're not better than us!**

_**(Kirito equips the coat he got for beating Illfang.)** _

**KIRITO: My sweet-ass coat begs to differ.**

**RANDOM PLAYER: Dammit, he's got us there.**

_**(Kirito ascends the stairs out of the Boss Room. Asuna follows him.)** _

**ASUNA: Kirito, wait! _(Dramatic pause.)_ I want half.**

**KIRITO: I'm... sorry. What?**

"Yeah, what?" Amy wonders.

**ASUNA: I want halk the coat. I _did_ half the work, I should get half the coat.**

"I don't thing that's how it works." mentioned Tails.

**KIRITO: No! It's not fabric I can cut! It's just a bunch of 1's and 0's!**

**ASUNA: Fine, then give me the 1s.**

**KIRITO: Fuck you! I want the 1s. *Groans* I am not having this argument. I'm disolving this party.**

_**(Kirito opens his menu and "Disolves" their party.)** _

**ASUNA: Kirito! If you walk away with my half the coat, I will make your life a living hell!**

"Somehow, I doubt that." predicted the red echidna.

**KIRITO: You know what? Fine! I'll give you the damn coat! Just send me a trade request.**

**ASUNA: A... what?**

**KIRITO: Oh, it's quite simple really... Just open your menu.**

_**(Kirito starts laughing his ass off as he walks out the doors.)** _

"That schenniving dick." cursed out Sally.

**ASUNA: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!**

_**(Outro Plays.)** _

_**(A creepy rendition of "Jesus Loves Me" plays as the logo of Laughing Coffin appears.)** _

"We can all agree that _that_ was the most creepist thing we've heard, correct?" asked a shivering Tails, with Sonic, Knuckles, Sally, and Amy agreeing with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the day of this unload, it'll be my 20th birthday. I don't exspect much, but I'm just glad to entertain those who read these stories.
> 
> The those who are xbox gamers (sorry Playstation gamers), you can find my gamertag: Flamehog 419. See you then.


	4. Episode 3

**DISCLAIMER**

**SIR JACK DAPPER: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA and Reki Kawahara. Please support the official release.**

_**(The episode properly opens with a musical rendition of Jingle Bells, with the word "A Sword Art Online Christmas" appearing on screen. The scene then transitions to Sir Jack Dapper sitting by the fireplace, playing a DS.)** _

"What's with the christmas theme?" wondered Amy.

"Guess this episode was released around christmas." stated Tails.

 **SIR JACK DAPPER: I said "jump" you delightful Italian stereotype.** "Those sounds seem familiar..." Sonic thought, thinking of someone that he knew, **_(Jack gets a game over. He then notices the audience.)_ Oh, hello. Didn't see you come in. I am Sir Jack Dapper. But, of course, you already knew that.** "We don't." mentioned Knuckles, **It is my great honor today to introduce you to the Sword Art Online Christmas Extravaganza. A touching tale of whimsy, adventure and the true meaning of friendship.** "I doubt about the last one." admitted the two-tailed fox, **So, I have my book, I have my bourbon. Gather round children, let's make some Christmas. This is the story of... "The Red-Nosed Reindeer".**

_**(Jack opens the book and puts on his glasses. He then clears his throat to read.)** _

_**(Cut to Opening, editted with everyone with santa hats and a snow affect.)** _

_**(Fades up on page of the book, with a picture of a tavern.)** _

**SIR JACK DAPPER: "Our magical journey began in... April..." apparently.** "Weird place to start a christmas story." said the pink hedgehog, **That's a bit odd. Guess we're going for a slow burn on this one. Oh well, I can dig it, as the kids would say.** "Don't ever say that again." begged the red echidna, **"Our story began at the local taverning hole, where our hero, Kirito, had just made some new friends.", or "homies", if you will.** "Please stop!" he continues to demand, **I'll stop now...**

"Thank you!" Knuckles cheers.

_**(The picture in the book transition to when it was taken, April 8, 2023, Floor 11, Taft. Inside the tavern a group of people are at Kirito's table. They clink their cups together in a toast.)** _

**MOONLIT BLACK CATS: To Kirito!**

**KIRITO: Who are you people and why are you at my table?**

**KEITA: Ah, Kirito. Can I call ya Kirito?**

**KIRITO: No.**

**KEITA: Here's the thing, Kirito.** **I couldn't help but noticing while I was rifling through your character page-**

**KIRITO: I thought I had that set to private...**

"So much for personal privace." sighed Sally, who knew all to well about it when dealing with Sonic, especially during their younger years.

**KEITA: ...that YOU... are not associated with any Guilds! So the crew and I, I call them the crew by the way, were thinking that you... should join our Guild.**

**KIRITO: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.**

**KEITA: Now, I know what you're thinking. "Am I really worthy to join these awesome dudes?"**

**KIRITO: I've literally never thought that about anyone.**

"Honestly at it's finest." chuckled the blue hedgehog.

**KEITA: But let me assure you. We could certainly use someone with your... assets.**

_**(Keita looks at Kirito's level, which is at Level 40, and moans with delight.)** _

Sally and Amy felt a wave of discomfort run through their spine's at Keita's menationing of the word 'assets' while being followed by a moan.

**KIRITO: Hey! Hey! My eyes are down here!**

Sonic and Knuckles muffled their laughter at Kirito's phrasing.

**KEITA: ***Laughing*** Right, right. So whaddya say, Ki? Can I call ya "Ki"?**

**KIRITO: God no!**

"Yeah, how 'bout no!" said Tails with everyone agreeing with him.

**KEITA: Mmm hmm, I see. And what if I put on this hat? _(Keita puts on a hat, message pops up saying "+50 CHR".)_**

**KIRITO: Oh, don't be ridiculous- What the hell am I signing?**

_**(Kirito, under the influence of Keita's Charisma Hat, signs a Guild charter, which makes him a member of the Guild.)** _

**KEITA: To the newest member of the Moonlit Black Cats! To Kirito!**

**KIRITO: DAMMIT!**

**KEITA: So let me introduce you to the crew. I call them the crew, by the way.**

"He's starting to get annoying." admitted the rosie hedgehog.

**KIRITO: So I've heard!**

**KEITA: This here is Sachi... and, uh, the rest are NPCs.**

**KIRITO: Wait, what?!**

"Yeah, what?" questioned the blue blur.

**KEITA: Yeah, they're all companions from different quests! They help ya fight, and as long as you never finish, they stay with you!**

**NPC 1: We must save my family!**

**NPC 2: The bandits are coming!**

**KIRITO: Um, is that important?**

**KEITA: Nah, it's part of the quest. They say that, like, every 4 seconds.**

"That sounds like hell." mentioned Miles.

**NPC 3: Always remember. To jump: Jump!**

**KEITA: And, uh, he's from the tutorial. It's not a good tutorial.**

**NPC 3: Winners don't use drugs! Except steroids! In which case, use lots of drugs!**

"That sounds like very bad advice." noticed the Master Emerald guardian.

"And that's no good." added Sonic.

**KIRITO: Wait, so, you never finished the tutorial?**

**KEITA: Hey, just because I can't play the game, doesn't mean I can't... "play the game". Wink. _(He doesn't wink.)_**

**KIRITO: I feel like you don't know how winking works.**

**SACHI: Th- Thank you for joining our Guild, Mr. Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Kirito. _(Sachi glitches as she talks.)_**

"The hell?!" the Mobians confusingly questioned.

**KIRITO: Sweet merciful Buddha, what the fuck?!**

**KEITA: Now, now. Don't panic. Sachi just lives out in the boonies, so her internet connection is kinda shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi... _(Sachi's lag spreads to Keita.)_**

The Freedom Fighters laughed at Keita catching the lag.

**BAR PATRON 1: OH GOD, IT'S SPREADING!!!**

**BAR PATRON 2: GRAB THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!**

**BAR PATRON 3: YEAH, WE'LL USE THEM AS SHIELDS!**

_**(We hear people panicking, tavern catches fire.)** _

**SIR JACK DAPPER: Ha ha! What shenanigans. Four people died in that fire...** Everyone's faces dropped at the menationing of death, **_(Jack turns the pages as his narration continues, showing a montage of Kirito's time with the Moonlit Black Cats.)_** **But from the ashes sprouted a powerful friendship. And in time, Kirito found that he could almost tolerate them, much like a fat man tolerates the tapeworms in his intestines.** "Sounds like an odd analogy." said the Acorn princess, **And like those tapeworms, that Guild burrowed deep into his innards and gorged themselves on his leftovers, until they began causing abdominal pain and diarrhoea. I realize the metaphor's breaking down a bit here,** "You think?" Knuckles rhtorically asked, **but Granny Dapper didn't raise no quitters. In any case, things were about to change for young Kirito, as he learned one fateful night...**

_**(Kirito steps out of a warp pad and a message from Keita appears. Kirito plays it.)** _

**KEITA: Hey, Kirito, buddy. Sachi kinda ran off and we don't know where she went. Could you be a pal and track her down? I'd look for her myself, but the NPCs are sorta blocking the door and I can't get out.**

**NPC 1: We must save my family!**

**KEITA: MOVE!!! ***Groans***** Everyone chuckled at Kieta's frustration, **Listen buddy, I'm gonna need your help sooner rather than later. I'm starting to think this is a two-man job.**

**NPC 3: You've been playing for ***Voice turns robotic*** 4608 ***Normal voice*** hours. Maybe you should take a break.**

**KEITA: I would if I could, Mom! But that's not really an option now, is it?! ***Sigh*** Now he's is clipping through the wall. This is just perfect. ***Groans***** They continue to chuckle at Kieta's situation, **So, yeah, if you could just take care of that for me, that'd be great.**

**KIRITO: Yeah, good luck with that, Keita. It's my day off.**

**KEITA: And because I know it's your day off, I went ahead and included a little motivation.**

**KIRITO: Right. Keita when have you ever had anything I- _(A picture the Charisma Hat appears. Kirito activates Detective Mode and runs off.)_** "How does that hat work?" wondered Tails, **I HATE THAT GODDAMN HAT!**

_**(Cuts to Sachi under a bridge. Kirito appears with his eyes glowing.)** _

**KIRITO: Yo, Sachi. Keita said you ran off or-**

**SACHI: Jesus Christ! What's wrong with your eyes?!**

**KIRITO: What?! Oh right, Detective Mode. One sec. _(Kirito turns it off. His eyes start sizzling and he groans in pain.)_ Oh, that's brisk...!**

**SACHI: Is it supposed to hurt like that?**

**KIRITO: I don't think so. Unless the game was developed by a sadist!**

_**(Awkard pause.)** _

**SACHI: Well...**

"Well..." echoed the young fox.

**KIRITO: Yeah, I heard it! So anyway, I figure I've got about... oh, 5 minutes before I black out from the pain. So, Princess. Why'd you run off?**

**SACHI: Because... I'm terrified my lag is going to get me and everyone I love killed.**

everyone was silent at Sachi's worries.

_**(Long pause.)** _

**KIRITO: Well shit, I don't know how to mock that... Oh god! That's never happened before!**

**SACHI: Well, maybe this is something you don't need to mock.**

**KIRITO: Uh, ***Coughs/laughs*** okay. But then what's the point of other people if not to mock them?**

**SACHI: You know, I'm starting to see why people think you're an asshole.**

**KIRITO: People think I'm an asshole?!**

"He realses that now?" questioned Amy.

 **SIR JACK DAPPER: And so they talked all through the night, and slowly, Kirito began to see the error of his ways. If that seems like a cop-out to you,** "To that, it is." admitted Sonic, **congratulations! You get a cookie...**

"Oh where?" wondered an excited blue hedgehog.

"Sonic, there are no cookies." mentioned Knuckles.

"Noooo!" the blue blur cried out.

_**(The scene transitions to the daytime.)** _

**KIRITO: Wow, Sachi. You've really opened my eyes! I've been such a jerk! Well, no more. You're looking at a whole new Kirito. From now on, I'm gonna be nicer, and show people the compassion they deserve!**

**SACHI: So can we talk about my problems now?**

**KIRITO: Ugh, no one cares.**

"So much for showing compassion to others." sighed Sally.

**SACHI: Oh... Hey, I thought you said you were gonna black out from the pain.**

**KIRITO: Oh yeah. ***Sniff*** Guess I'm just a lot tougher than I thou- _(Kirito's eyes start sizzling as he screams in pain.)_**

The Freedom Fighters laughed at Kirito's durability towards pain.

**_(Cut to June 21, 2023, with the Guild at the inn.)_ **

**KEITA: Hey crew, I know you guys have been working really hard, and I've got some good news!**

**KIRITO: And...?**

**KEITA: A-And some bad news. The good news is, we're in debt to the Mob!** "How is that 'good' news?" questioned Amy, **No, wait, that's the bad news. Also, there's no good news.**

**SACHI: There's a Mob in this game?!**

"Yeah, how does that work?" wondered the red echidna.

**KEITA: Uh, yeah, I may have promised some... let's say "unsavory" individuals that I could duplicate their rare item, and, well, it turns out that got patched.**

**KIRITO: So then why don't you just give back their item?**

**KEITA: ***Laughing awkwardly*** Yeah, well, here's the thing. I kinda sold it, and now...**

**NPC 2: The bandits are coming!**

"That's one way to put it." the chipmunk stated.

**KEITA: Precisely! But the Don says all will be forgiven if we replace the item.**

**KIRITO: Well, okay. That doesn't sound too-**

"Way for it." interrupted Sonic.

**KEITA: Here's the thing.**

**KIRITO: There it is.**

"There it is." he called out.

**KEITA: It only drops on the 27th Floor.**

**SACHI: Is that a problem?**

**KEITA: Well, let me put it this way: Take the most horrific, _awful_ thing you can think of... and multiply it by cancer.** "Why would you say that?!" cried out Sally, **_(_ _The Guild leans back in shock.)_ But you'll do fine! You've got Kirito! And he's practically carrying this crew!**

**KIRITO: "Practically"?!**

"Yeah, 'practically', that's like saying Sonic handles every situation with just his speed alone." stated Knuckles.

"Well, I mean, I kinda do anyway." admitted Sonic.

"Even politics?" Sally questioned.

"Oh, I'm not brave enough for that." he corrected.

**SACHI: Kirito!**

**KIRITO: I'm sorry.**

**KEITA: So, on that note, what do you guys think?**

**KIRITO: Well, no offence. But that is the most- _(Kirito stops himself when he realizes Sachi is glaring at him.)_ ***Faking a smile*** ...probably fine idea I've ever heard!**

"I can feel his pain from here." Tails whinced.

**KEITA: That's a weird way to phrase that.**

**KIRITO: Don't push me on this.**

**KEITA: Alright! So, we got us a game plan!**

**SACHI: W-Wait, you didn't say what you're doing in all this.**

**KEITA: Well, the thing about that is...**

_**(Cut to June 22, 2023. Keita is on a warp pad in the town square with the Hat on his head.)** _

**KEITA: Later!** _**(Keita telepots away.)** _

**KIRITO: We really need to take that hat away from him.**

"I surprised no one has already." said Amy Rose.

_**(Cut to June 22, 2023, Floor 27: Labyrinth. The Guild are searching in the dungeon.)** _

**KIRITO: God, we've been looking for hours. Where is this stupid thing supposed to drop, anyway?**

**SACHI: Uh, Kirito? Did Keita even tell us which item we're looking for?**

_**(Pause of realization.)** _

**KIRITO: Son of a...!**

**NPC 1: We must save my family!**

_**(NPC 1 opens a secret door, revealing a small chest in a large room.)** _

"Oh, that just spells out 'trap'." acknowlegded the blue hedgehog.

**KIRITO: Oh wow. A single chest in an empty room. Yeah, this looks legit. Come on, guys. Even we're not dumb enough to fall for this...**

_**(NPC 1 open the chest.)** _

**KIRITO: Sachi? You set them to auto-loot, didn't you?**

**SACHI: Yeah. I thought it would save time.**

_**(Alarms blare, the lights turn red and the door closes behind them.)** _

**KIRITO: Oh yeah. We're sprinting to our deaths at RECORD SPEED!**

**SACHI: Well, it might not be a trap. Maybe we just won a prize, or something.**

"Of course, she's an 'optimistic' type." groaned Knuckles.

"Why? Got a problem with that?" the rosie hedgehog asked with a death-glare and her Piko-Piko Hammer in her hands.

"N-no, no I don't!" paniced the Master Emerald guardian.

**GAME ANNOUNCER: Deploying Slaughternauts and Murder-Golems.**

**KIRITO: Oh wow! Slaughternauts AND Murder-Golems?! It must be my BIRTHDAY!!!**

**SACHI: I thought you were gonna be nicer.**

**KIRITO: BABY STEPS!!!**

**SACHI: It's okay! We'll just grab one of the Teleport Crystals from Gary!**

**KIRITO: WHO THE FUCK IS GARY?!**

**NPC 1: We must save my family! _(NPC 1 holds up a Teleport Crystal and teleports out.)_**

**SACHI: That _was_ Gary.**

**KIRITO: OF COURSE IT WAS!!!**

**SACHI: No, no, no, it's fine! Charlie's got a bunch of health potions!**

**KIRITO: Which one's Charlie?! _(NPC 3 dies.)_** "I'm seeing a pattern here." noticed Tails, **Never mind! I got it!**

**SACHI: Well, we still-**

_**(NPC 2 dies.)** _

**KIRITO: OH GOD, STOP! Look, we're just gonna have to fight our way out!**

**SACHI: Okay. I'm scared, but I trust you-ou-ou-ou-ou-**

_**(A Golem hits Sachi in the back as she is lagging, fatally wounding her.)** _

The Mobians' faces dropped with shock at Sachi's injury.

**KIRITO: SACHI! NO!!!**

**SACHI: Kirito... This isn't... your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- YOOOOUUUUR FAAAAUUUULT.** _**(Sachi's lag causes her to glitch out, in a horrifyingly scarring manner, and she dies.)** _

"Well... that'll be traumastic." menationed a disturbed Sally.

**SIR JACK DAPPER: Well... that was grim. But, as with all things, there is _always_ a silver lining. For you see, Kirito still had one friend left with whom he could share his grief.**

_**(Jack turns the page to a scene of Keita killing himself.)** _

**KIRITO: KEITA!!!**

The Freedom Fighters dark emotions rised at the surprise of someone purforming suicide.

**SIR JACK DAPPER: GYAH!!! _(Jack skips over a bunch of dramatic scenes until he reaches the Christmas part of the story.)_ Christmas! Yay, Christmas! ***Awkward giggle*** No one kills themselves on Christmas! _(Jack makes an uncomfortable laugh.)_ Christ, I need more bourbon...**

"Yeah, I could go for a chili dog right now." said Sonic with hinted sadness.

_**(Kirito is seen in the woods looking for something, as we hear the memory of an info broker.)** _

**INFO BROKER: ***Cockney accent*** They say that Santa Claus will appear beneath a certain fir tree tonight, and grant whoever finds him an item that will give anyone a merry Christmas. Now that'll be 200 gol- Oi! Oi, where you going! Get back here!**

_**(BallsDeep69 and his Guild appear.)** _

**KIRITO: Balls?**

**ENTIRE GUILD: My name is Klein!**

"That was disturbing." admitted Amy.

**KIRITO: That was... unsettling. What the hell was that?**

**BALLSDEEP69: ***Sighs*** I correct people so often, they think it's how I say hello.**

**KIRITO: Well, that's unfortunate.**

**BALLSDEEP69: Yeah, no kidding. So what are you doing out here?**

**KIRITO: Eh, I've been having this weird pain in my chest. I was hoping this rare item might be able to fix it.**

**BALLSDEEP69: Well, that's strange. What do you think caused it?**

**KIRITO: Well, I suppose it started right after I watched my entire Guild get slaughtered. But, I mean, I didn't take any damage, so that can't be it...**

_**(BallsDeep69 is shocked over the stupidity of Kirito's statement.)** _

"Wow." said Sally while face-palming.

**BALLSDEEP69: Oh my god!**

_**(Suddenly, the Mob teleports in.)** _

**MOBSTER: Kirito. As the sole survivor of the Midnight Black Cats, the debt naturally falls to you. The Don sends his regards.**

"Wait, wasn't one of the NPC's alive as well?" questioned Knuckles.

"I don't think side-quest characters count as guild members," Tails informed, "or he could be dead, there is a nine months timeskip after all."

"Okay, that's fair." agreed the red echidna.

**BALLSDEEP69: Well, as many question as this raises, I'm gonna keep this brief. Kirito, you're not injured, you're _sad_ that all your friends died.**

**KIRITO: Wow, I never thought about it like that.**

**BALLSDEEP69: Yeah, big shock, ya friggin' sociopath. Look, I've heard rumors that item might be able to rez players. It's a long shot, but you owe it to yourself to try. Go on ahead. We'll hold them off.**

**KIRITO: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you... Klein.**

_**(Klein makes a whimper of delight. Kirito runs off.)** _

"That must of been a big moment for him." noticed the blue hedgehog.

**GUILD MEMBER: Hey boss, who's Klein?**

**KLIEN: Don't ruin this for me!**

_**(Kirito arrives in front of the tree.)** _

**SIR JACK DAPPER: And there, under that frosted fir tree, Kirito spotted the big man himself. Streaking through the snowy sky, on a sleigh full of Christmas cheer, the patron saint of prostitutes...** "Wait, what?!" everyone questioned in confusion, **_(Sudden cut to Jack in his seat.)_ Look it up. _(Back to the story.)_ Old Saint Nic-**

_**(A Boss named "Nicholas: The Renegade" crashes onto the ground, looking horrifying.)** _

**NICHOLAS: THE RENEGADE: Naughty!**

_**(Cut back to a shocked and confused Jack.)** _

**SIR JACK DAPPER: What the fu-**

"What the hell?" the Freedom Fighters questioned in confusion once again.

_**(Nicholas roars as Kirito runs towards him while making a battle cry. Fade to white. Fade back to an exhausted Klein and his Guild, having chased off the Mob. Kirito steps out of the portal and walks toward Klein and the Guild.)** _

**KLIEN: Kirito, how'd it go? Did you win?**

_**(Kirito looks emotionally drained.)** _

**KIRITO: Does this look like the face of victory to you?**

"Looks like he went through hell and again with mental scars." stated the Acorn princess.

**KLIEN: You didn't get it?**

**KIRITO: Oh, I got it.**

_**(Kirito throws Klein the item. He opens it and a hat appears on his head. The same hat Keita used.)** _

"Oh, you gotta be bloody kidding me." groaned the two-tailed fox.

**KIRITO: It's a hat. It's a god... damn... hat.**

**KLIEN: Well, what do you wanna do with it?**

**KIRITO: Wear it. Poop in it. I really don't care anymore. But, I do suppose I should thank you. You made me realize that by being nice and letting people in... they'll just die. But even still, thank you for showing me that there's still a part of me that can feel like this. Because now that I know where to find it, I've killed it forever. So, thank you. Thank you for freeing me... Balls.**

"Oh my... now I think I have a brief understanding of how Shadow feels..." mentioned Sonic with sympathy.

_**(Kirito walks off. Balls grabs his coat to stop him.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: ***On the verge of tears*** No. No! You were so close! You were almost a person! ***Crying*** YOU WERE SO CLOSE!!! _(BallsDeep69 breaks down crying.)_**

**SIR JACK DAPPER: And so they say, Kirito's heart grew _three_ sizes that day. Then immediately shrank six, imploding into a black hole from which no love could escape. The End.**

"Well, that was a dark end..." Knuckles called out.

_**(Fade to black.)** _

"... oh wait, there's more." he notices.

_**(Fade back in on Jack, completely drunk in his chair.)** _

**JACK: Oh I'm sorry, were you expecting a happy ending? Well I'm afraid the world doesn't work that way bucko.** "Oh we know from experence." said the chipmunk, **The only thing you can hope for in life is that you make enough money to fill the void left behind by the woman you love when she takes your children to some island in Tahiti with a cabana boy half her _fucking_ age. Well look at me now, you harlot. I'm still alone with all my money. God I'm alone. _SO_ alone!**

_**(Jack begins to cry but then collapses onto the floor vomiting. Gregory, his butler, pats his back.)** _

Everyone felt waves on confusion and uncomfortness of a watching a drunk person vomiting out his guts, while a butler pats him on the back.

**GREGORY: Merry Christmas, everyone.**

_**(Jack tries to get up but vomits again.)** _

**JACK: Oh god, it in the Persian rug.**

_**(Cut to the Outro.)** _

"...I... have no responce to that." admitted the blue blur.

_**(Fades in on the Mobs hide out. A Mob Guy is talking to the Don in a dark room.)** _

"Actually, I have been curious as to who this 'Don' character is." wondered the rosie hedgehog.

**MOBSTER: I'm sorry, Don. We finally tracked down the one known as Kirito, but... we were beaten back by the legendary warrior BallsDeep69 and his men. The boy escaped us yet again. I have no excuse. But I promise you, we _will_ get back what was stolen. What are your orders... Don Fluffles?**

_**(The Don emerges from the shadow, revealing him to be the Cat from Episode 2. Don Fluffles makes a sinister growl.)** _

The Freedom Fighters couldn't burst out laughing at the fact a cat is the boss of a criminal organisation


	5. Episode 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to upload this one, but varies amount of forgotten work had to be sorted and I'll be back to work soon so... I just wanted to finish this episode off.

**DISCLAIMER**

**SILICA: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA and Reki Kawahara. Please support the official release.**

_**(The episode properly opens on February, 23 2024 Floor 35: The Lost Forrest. Silica is with her Party. She is arguing with on of its members named "Rosalia".)** _

**ROSALIA: Come on, Silica. I need to increase my leatherworking. Just hand over the Dragon, already.**

**SILICA: I can't believe I have to explain why you can't SKIN MY FRIEND!**

"This little girl and the dragon seems to resemble Cream and Cheese." mentioned Amy, seeing the similarities between both the human and the Mobian rabbit.

**ROSALIA: And _I_ can't believe I need to explain why I need leather pants.**

"Yeah, and _she_ reminds me of Rouge." groaned Knuckles, referring to Rosalia.

**PARTY MEMBER: C'mon Silica. ***Slightly pervertedly*** Leather paaaants.**

**ROSALIA: Hey, if it'll make you feel better, I can make you a pair, too.**

**SILICA: I DON'T WANNA WEAR MY PET, YOU MONSTER!**

**ROSALIA: Well there's just no pleasing you, is there?**

"I can see why now." Sonic admited, agreeing with the Master Emerald guardian.

 **SILICA: Screw this! I don't need you! I'll form my own Party!** _**(Silica dissolves from the Party and walks away.)** _ **It's just gonna be me and Pina and it's gonna be awesome!**

_**(Cut to Silica being cornered by a group of Drunk Apes in Forest of Wandering.)** _

**SILICA: This is not awesome! This is the opposite of awesome!** "Well, that's a matter of opinion." said Sonic, **Okay, Silica, calm down. You can do this. You've got Pina. Pina, Heal! _(Pina heals a tiny sliver of her health.)_ Thaaanks Pina...** "At least you'll last longer." stated Tails, **_(_ _Silica is immediately slammed into a tree by the apes.)_ ***In severe pain*** Pina... Heal!**

"...Or maybe not." corrected the young fox.

_**(A message reading "That ability isn't ready yet" appears in the corner of Silica's view.)** _

**PINA: Ful, losei Dovahkiin.**

**SILICA: ***Sighs*** That's okay. You're doing your best. But I'm not doing so hot. Do you think you could hold them off for a second? _(Pina flies toward one of the apes, which bashes Pina to the ground.)_** Everyone's faces dropped it what they witnessed, **Alright, well, I-I didn't mean a _literal_ second. But you couldn't know that. _(Pina's health goes to zero and she starts glowing.)_** "Oh that doesn't look good." noticed Sally, **Oh my goodness. Pina... Are you evolving? _(Silica grabs Pina.)_ Yes Pina! Evolve into a beautiful Dragon and we'll fly through the night to freedom! _(Pina dies and shatters, leaving only a feather. Apes close in, as she turns to them.)_ Pina?**

"Oh no..." the red echidna uttered.

_**(All the apes die and reveal Kirito behind them. The image of him suddenly becomes sparkly.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Deep prince like voice*** Are you unharmed, my lady?**

"That's not normal." said the two-tailed fox.

**SILICA: Wh... What?**

**KIRITO: ***Normal voice*** I said could you stop staring at me? It's creepy!**

"Ah, there we go." commented the blue hedgehog.

_**(Cut to Opening.)** _

_**(The episode fades back to the same scene, Silica is crying. Kirito is staring at her awkwardly.)** _

**KIRITO: Weeelllllll, I can see you got your own thing going on here. Don't wanna intrude. I'll just find myself a spot that isn't full of crying children. Oh, look! There's one now!**

"Good to see you too." Knuckles sarcastically mutters.

**SILICA: Aren't you gonna ask me what's wrong?**

**KIRITO: Yeah, I'm not pulling the pin on that grenade.**

**SILICA: You're right. I'm sorry. This isn't your fault.**

_**(Kirito has a flashback to the last episode.)** _

**SACHI: your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- YOOOOUUUUR FAAAAUUUULT.**

_**(Kirito psyche shatters.)** _

"He's still hurting from Sachi's death." said the chipmunk princess.

**KIRITO: WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE GIRL?!**

**SILICA: Well, I guess it all started when I was born. My mom was a bit of a drinker. And nine months sober? That was just not in the cards...**

_**(Kirito groans. We hear a grenade pin getting pulled followed by an explosion.)** _

"Well he definitely regrets pulling the pin from the grenade now." mentioned Knuckles.

_**(Fades to them at the restaurant. Silica is still talking and you can hear Kirito banging his head against the table off-screen.)** _

**SILICA: And then those gorillas showed up and attacked me. But thankfully, Pina stalled them long enough for you to save me, and then, you know the rest.**

**KIRITO: God do I ever! I can never un-know! These brain cells could have been used to formulate the perfect strategy to get us out of this game! Instead, they've memorized what kind of _crayons_ you liked to eat when you were _four!_**

"Can you blame her? Her mother is a drinker and we don't know anything about her other relatives." Sally analysised.

"Even I've had a better upbringing." admitted the echidna.

**SILICA: I liked the purple ones.**

**KIRITO: Yeah, I know! "And the blue ones were too tart"! ***Groans*** If I tell you how to resurrect your hamster, will you leave me alone?**

**SILICA: Dragon.**

**KIRITO: Kid, no language on Earth has a word for how little I care. A quantum super-computer calculating for a thousand years could not even approach the number of fucks I do not give.** "I beg to differ." Tails countered, **The friggin' heat-death of the universe could not-**

**SILICA: Are you gonna tell me, or not?**

**KIRITO: Eh, sure. Whatever. Allegedly, the Dungeon on the 47th Floor, called "The Hill of Memories", drops an item that revives pets.**

**SILICA: Oh my goodness! Really? Well, let's go get it right now-**

**KIRITO: Upbupbup, cool your jets, Zippy. There's more to it than that. For one thing, the item won't work 3 days after death. And since you just spent the last _7 hours_ making me consider the pros and cons of a lobotomy via soup spoon, I'd say you got your work cut out for ya.**

"So she has about 65 hours left. That doesn't seem that long." Sonic mentioned with confidence.

"For you perhaps," Sally Acorn announced, "not every can run as fast as you can."

**SILICA: Oh no! Well, let's get going! We've got no time to lose!**

**KIRITO: Yeah, about that...**

_**(Cuts to them walking outside.)** _

**SILICA: What do you mean you're not going? I could die on my own!**

**KIRITO: I believe I made myself clear about my number of fucks and willingness to give them.**

_**(They run into Rosalia.)** _

**ROSALIA: Silica? Oh my god! How _are_ you!**

"Oh goodie, she's back." groaned Knuckles at seeing Rosalia. Pretty much confirming to himself that she and Rouge are like one and the same to him.

**SILICA: I'm... fine.**

**ROSALIA: And where's your little Dragon friend?**

**SILICA: Pina... died.**

**ROSALIA: Aw, that's too bad. Did you at least manage to make some good pants out of her?**

**SILICA: NO!!!**

**ROSALIA: ***Sigh*** Such a waste.**

"Bitch!" Amy whishers with anger.

**KIRITO: She's right, you know. Dragon leather _is_ surprisingly comfortable.**

"Not helpful." defended the blue blur.

**SILICA: Kirito! That's not funny! I'm gonna get that item and revive her, for sure!**

**ROSALIA: Oh, "Kirito" is it? Are you her new teammate? That's _adorable_. It's so _nice_ to see Silica found someone on her level.**

_**(Kirito laughs.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Deadly serious*** What?**

The Freedom Fighters faces turn to terrified shock at Kirito's reaction.

**ROSALIA: Oh, no no. It's cute. I love the whole " _tough guy_ " persona you've got going on there. _Very_ convincing. I'm sure you'll have _no problem_ clearing "The Hill of Memories".**

**SILICA: Actually, Kirito said he's not-**

**KIRITO: ***Tranquil fury*** Come on, Silica. We've got a hamster to save.**

_"Well, that's terrifying."_ they all thought.

_**(Kirito and Silica walk passed her. Rosalia glares at them. She then smiles.)**_

**SILICA: You mean you're gonna help me? Yay! Operation: Save Pina is go!**

"Rosalia is clearly up to something." Amy noticed, unsure on what though.

_**(Cut February 24, 2024 Floor 47: Floria. Kirito and Silica teleport in. Silica goes to smell the flowers.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Laughing*** So, uh, hey, uh, random question. Uh, you didn't hear anything... weird last night, did you?**

**SILICA: Uuuuuh...**

_**(Flash back to the previous night, with Silica on her bed hearing Kirito through the wall.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Crying*** Sachi! Oh god, why couldn't I save you?! Why?! Ah, Sachi! SACHI!!!**

Everyone felt somewhat uncomfortable hearing Kirito crying himself to sleep.

_**(Cuts back to the present. Silica blushes from embarrassment.)** _

**SILICA: Uh, no. Definitely not. I'm, like, a super heavy sleeper, so...**

_**(Kirito laughs.)** _

**KIRITO: Good, good. ***Clears throat*** Yeah, sleep is... Sleep is good.**

_**(Kirito walks off and Silica follows him.)** _

**SILICA: Sooooooo... who's Sachi?**

**KIRITO: I KNEW IT!**

_**(A plant creature grabs Silica and lifts her into the air. Silica screams. She pulls her skirt down to prevent it from exposing herself.)** _

**SILICA: Kirito! Don't look up my skirt!**

**KIRITO: Um, I think you have more pressing concerns.**

**SILICA: Well, what do I do?!**

**KIRITO: Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!**

**SILICA: The power to believe in myself?**

"Yeah, that!" Sonic cheered.

 **KIRITO: Nooooo, a knife!** "That too." he adds, **Stab it!**

**SILICA: Oh, right!**

_**(Silica cuts the tendril holding her and makes an adorable battle cry as she preforms a plunging attack.)** _

"Aww, she's cute when she did that." cooed the pink hedgehog.

"Yeah, it's difficult to see her being a threat when she's like that." admitted the Master Emerald guardian.

**KIRITO: Yeah, maybe you should stick behind me. You're so low level, you're aggroing everything in this place.**

**SILICA: Oh, don't worry about me, Kirito. I can take care of myself. _(She takes three steps and is immediately attacked my a monster under her feet.) *****_ **Screams*** KIRITO!**

"Care to say that again?" Tails rhtorically asked.

**KIRITO: ***Sigh*** This is gonna be my whole day, isn't it?**

_**(Cut to "Much, much later". We see a flower bloom.)** _

**SILICA: Kirito, look! There it is!**

_**(Silica excitedly picks up the flower and smiles.)** _

**KIRITO: Alright, one down!**

**SILICA: YEAH- Wait, what do you mean?**

"I thought that was going to be the item she needed for her pet." said Amy.

**KIRITO: Well, I mean, we're gonna need, like, 50 more of these suckers. Then we trade them back in town for a gem, which we need to give to this gatekeeper so that he'll let us enter another Dungeon, where we fight a series of Bosses to get the real flower.**

"Were it so easy." sighed Sally.

_**(Pause.)** _

**SILICA: That's INSANE! Who'd design a game this way?!**

"A sadist that likes doing movie references, apparently." stated the young fox.

**KIRITO: You don't play a lot of RPGs, do you?**

_**(Cuts "Much, much, much later". The two of them are on a bridge heading back into town.)** _

**KIRITO: Man, I thought we were done after that seventh Boss, but then BAM, there's number eight!**

**SILICA: I just... I just wanna go home.**

_**(Kirito stops Silica.)** _

**KIRITO: Wait. Hold on, Silica. Do mine eyes deceive me?! Tis the fabled Word Tree of Gamagorath!** **Font of human knowledge, and devourer of souls! Quickly, child! We must spirit away before it- Oh my god! Will you just come out already?!**

The Mobians were confused as to who he was referring to, only to see a familiar face.

_**(Rosalia emerges from behind a tree, her username was poking out from behind it the entire time.)** _

**ROSALIA: Ah, your Detection Skill must be quite high for you to have known I was here.**

Knuckles' gloved hands tightened into a fist in annoyance at Rosalia's presence.

**KIRITO: Rosalia?! Oh my god! How _are_ yo- Oh god, wow, that's enough of that. Jesus, how do you put up that act up all day?**

**ROSALIA: Oh, so you saw through me, did you? You're quite a clever boy to have figured out that I'm actually the leader of Titan's Hand.**

_**(Kirito laughs)** _

"That name sucks." cried out the blue blur.

**KIRITO: "Titan's Hand"? Wow, I thought you might be someone dangerous, like Laughing Coffin! Never even heard of _you_!**

**ROSALIA: Laugh all you like. We're still one of the most feared Orange Guilds on the lower Floors.**

**KIRITO: Ooo, impressive. You can frighten players that think _Slimes_ are terrifying!**

"I don't believe we've seen them." stated the chipmunk princess.

**SILICA: Have you seen their eyes?! They have no souls!**

**ROSALIA: Ah, so quick with the snark. Of course, that's all you really have going on, isn't it? A witty retort to distract everyone from what you really are. A sad, lonely little boy with no one who loves him. Someone so dead inside, he'd use a child as bait to lure me out.**

"That's... surprisingly deep to notice." Amy hesitantly admits.

**SILICA: Mr. Kirito would never do something so horrible!**

**KIRITO: Nah, she's right. I totally did that.**

**SILICA: What?!**

"Why am I not surprised." Sally comments as she eyes Sonic, who grins back at her.

**ROSALIA: And to top it all off, you play the "tough guy". This invincible warrior you could never hope to be in the real world. Getting stuck in this game was probably the best thing to ever happen to you. But there's one thing this game will never let you hide. The one thing that's haunted you your whole life, that you can never escape... you sound like a girl.**

"So what, peoples voices changes as they grow older. It's basic knowledge." lectured Tails.

**KIRITO: ***Laughs*** What? No I don't sound like a girl. That's crazy! THAT'S CRAZY!**

_**(Kirito devolves into insane laughter.)** _

"Oh shit..." Sonic whimpers.

**ROSALIA: Well, it looks like my work here is done. I do so enjoy our chats, but I really must be off. We'll be taking the Pneuma Flower now, if you don't mind.**

**KIRITO: * **Deranged*** Really? Little old you is gonna take it from us? That'd be a neat _trick_!**

**ROSALIA: Indeed. But a magician is nothing without her lovely assistants.**

**_(Rosalia snaps her fingers and seven thugs comes from behind the trees, cackling.)_ **

"Well, there dead." stated Knuckles.

"I don't think Kirito is going to die from a group of thugs." defended the pink hedgehog.

**SILICA: Oh no, Mr. Kirito. There's so many of them! I'll back you up!**

**KIRITO: Aw, that's adorable. You think they're a threat! Well, you just sit tight. Show's about to start! Careful, though. The first three rows are a ♪ splash zone. ♪**

"I wasn't referring to Kirito." corrects the echidna.

_**(Kirito starts to walk toward the thugs.)** _

**SILICA: What do you mean by that?**

_**(Kirito laughs maniacally.)** _

**THUG 1: Um, boss? A- A thought occurs. This guy thought he was going up against Laughing Coffin, but he still just brought himself and a... small child. We sure we wanna mess with this guy?**

**ROSALIA: Please! The boy's all talk!** "Speak for yourself." Sonic counters, **And now that I've broken him, he's not even _that_ , anymore! He's nothing but a gibbering mess, grasping at straws!**

**KIRITO: Ooo, another one of your famous theories! Tell ya what. I'll give ya the first shot. _See how that goes_!**

_**(Stunned silence.)** _

"Yeah, I'm with Knux on this one." admitted the blue hedgehog, with Tails and Sally agreeing with him.

**THUG 2: Boss, I think this might be a trap.**

**ROSALIA: Enough! You're all Level 45, and there's _seven_ of you! I think you've got this! Now, kill him!**

_**(All the thugs start assaulting Kirito. Kirito just stands there.)** _

**SILICA: *Thinking* Oh no! I knew it! Rosalia really got inside his head! He's not even fighting back! Well, guess it's up to me to save him, or else- _(Kirito's health bar regenerate to full.)_ *Out loud* Wait what...?**

"Wait, what...?" everyone questions with Silica.

_**(The thugs stop attacking, out of breath.)** _

**KIRITO: Man, you guys are out of shape. Really oughta do some cardio.**

**ROSALIA: What are you idiots doing?! Quit screwing around and finish him!**

**THUG 3: I don't understand! We threw everything we had at him! How is he still standing?**

**KIRITO: How? Well, it's quite simple, really. You see, _GIRLY_ , you may think you got me _all_ figured out. But there's one thing you didn't account for. My numbers... are bigger than yours. _(Kirito's heath bar appears, revealing that he's Level 78. The thugs gasp.)_ Funny thing really, get to a high enough Level, and you're basically untouchable. My wounds heal faster than you can make them.** "Well that explains that." said Tails, **We could do this all day, and you would not be any closer to beating me. Not that it wouldn't be fun. But I've got good news. You see, there's no need to wonder where your god is! 'Cause he's right here... ***Whispered*** and he's fresh outta mercy.**

"If he ever optains the Chaos Emeralds, my God have mercy upon anyone piss' him off." Sally whimpers with Sonic and Knuckles shuddering at the thought of a 'Super Kirito' roaming around.

_**(Silence, then one of the thugs weeps softly.)** _

**ROSALIA: W... Well, way to prove my point, kid! Lording your Stats over them like some kind of god! Your strength is nothing but an illusion to cover-**

_**(Kirito dashes forward and slices her throat. Rosalia shudders in terror.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Whispered*** I'm getting _real_ tired of your first-year-psych-student bullshit.**

"Your not the only one." stated the guardian of Master Emerald.

**ROSALIA: Enjoy this while you can. It's the deepest you'll ever be in a woman.**

_**(Rosalia dies)** _

**KIRITO: Yeah, well, you're dead, soooooooo... DAMMIT!**

"Wow, Even I couldn't think of a good comeback." the Sonic the Hedgehog admitted, "And this is coming from the guy who fights mad scentists and god-like beings like it's a living." 

_**(Cut to Kirito and Silica on a bed back at the hotel.)** _

**SILICA: Soooooo... how are you doing?**

**KIRITO: Fine, why?**

**SILICA: Well, you did just kill someone. Doesn't that make you feel... something?**

**KIRITO: Oh, feelings? Yeah, I don't have those anymore. Went cold turkey.**

"I guess he and Shadow would get along just fine." mentioned a sarcastic Knuckles.

**SILICA: What?! You can't just do that! What's the point in living if you can't feel happiness, wonder, love...?**

**KIRITO: Or the sweet taste of revenge! You're right, Silica! What's the point in living if I can't enjoy such simple things?**

Everyone facepalms at Kirito's view of not having emotions.

**SILICA: Eh, close enough.**

**KIRITO: You're a good friend, Silica. We should go on more adventures.**

**SILICA: Um, I don't think so. Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Kirito. I'm grateful for your help, but yoooou're... like, the worst person I've ever met.**

"Yeah, it's probably better if she stayed extremely far away from him." Tails adviced.

**KIRITO: Is that your big plan here? Huh? Make me feel feelings so you can cut me down a peg? That cuts deep, kid. But I respect that.**

**SILICA: Yeah, that's kinda the problem. But, I suppose it'll all be worth it to have Pina back.**

**KIRITO: That's the spirit. Let's get started.**

_**(Silica pulls out the flower and uses it on the feather. The feather glows, and it looks like it's working, but then the glowing stops.)** _

**GAME ANNOUNCER: Item has expired.**

"Uh oh..." the Freefom Fighters utter.

_**(The feather then explodes, much to Silica horror. Cut to black.)** _

**KIRITO: I'm... sorry for your loss.**

_**(Silica lets out screams in rage.)** _

Everyone's facial expressions morphed into shock and fear at Silica's bloodcurdling scream.

_**(Cut to Outro.)** _

_**(Cut back to the room post Silica's rampage. Kirito has cut marks all over him.)** _

**KIRITO: *Thinking* She took that well.**

"Biggest understatement I've ever heard." said the echidna.

**(We hear Silica's scream again as the logo is cut to bloody pieces.)**

Silence fell onto the room as Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, and Sally process on Silica's warpath.

"If something like that ever happens to Cheese in front of Cream, we use the Chaos Emeralds to subdue her, alright?" Sally mentions with everyone else agreeing with her instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have plans for another abridged series involving half-a-dozen schmunks from the days of old.
> 
> Til next time readers, Pyro out.


	6. Episode 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody relax, I'm not dead yet. I've been meaning to finish this off for several months now and it's due to the fact that I've been very busy with things outside of the fanfiction community.
> 
> Plus I have a few announcements at the end of this chapter, so stick around for it.

**(DISCLAIMER)**

**BALLSDEEP69: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA and Reki Kawahara. Please support the official release.**

_**(Episode properly open on March 6, 2024, Floor 56: Pani. Asuna, Kirito, BallsDeep69 and a bunch of other players are huddled around a map, planning a Boss raid.)** _

**ASUNA: That's it! That's how we'll beat him! "Sheeptar: The Sheep King", your reign is at an end.**

The blue hedgehog stuttered his laughter when hearing the boss' name. _'What kinda name is "Sheeptar"?'_ Sonic thought.

**BALLSDEEP69: If that thing hadn't already killed 7 of us, I'd say this was a really stupid Boss.**

"Only seven?" Knuckles questions, "I thought the number would be bigger for some reason."

**ASUNA: We'll get just close enough to aggro him, then, our archers will kite him all the way to the village. Once he's there, he'll be too distracted killing NPCs to notice us. Then, we move in for the kill.**

"Smart play," Sally admited, "but I don't condone on using innocent people as a distraction."

"I guess their just desperate." Amy commented.

**KIRITO: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We can't just go around sacrificing NPCs! Some of my best friends have been NPCs!**

"That's weird, hearing Kirito being the voice reason since he's considered the 'asshole' out of everyone." stated the blue blur.

**ASUNUA: That makes way too much sense.**

**NPC: We must save my family!**

"That guy sounded kinda... familiar." wondered Tails.

 **KIRITO: Ya see?! Some of them even have faaaaaaaa... ***Whispered*** Gary...** "Oh no..." gasped the guardian, **'Scuse me. I have to go say "hi" to an old friend. Won't be a minute.** _**(Kirito leaves the meeting.)** _ **Hey Gary! Long time no see!**

**GARY: We must save my-**

_**(Kirito stabs Gary, causing him to scream in pain.)** _

The Mobians facial expressions morphed into shock and fear as Kirito slowly murders Gary off-screen.

**KIRITO: Yeah! Bet ya didn't expect to see _me_ again, did ya punk?!**

**GARY: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!!!**

_**(Kirito continues to stab Gary.)** _

**KIRITO: You left us to _die_ , you bastard!**

**GARY: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!!!**

**KIRITO: THIS IS FOR SACHI!**

**GARY: We must save ***Painful murmurs***.**

**KIRITO: Choke on it! Choke on my vengeance! How does it taste?!**

**GARY: We must ***Groans in pain*** save my... family...**

_**(We hear Kirito hacking up Gary as he laughs maniacally. All the people in the cave, except for Asuna, stand around awkwardly, shifting their eyes at the horrific sight.)** _

**BALLSDEEP69: Yeah, you know what? Maybe he has a point. This is super uncomfortable.**

"That, we can agree on, Klein." the pink hedgehog whimpers.

_**(Cut to Opening.)** _

_**(Cut to April 11, 2024 Floor 59: Danac. Asuna comes across Kirito relaxing under a tree.)** _

**ASUNA: Sooooooo... how's your day goin'? You're lookin' pretty relaxed there, buddy.**

"I don't like were this is heading." notioned the echidna.

**KIRITO: Ah, pretty good. This grass feels amazing.**

**ASUNA: Cool, cool. You, uh... You wanna know what I did today?**

**KIRITO: Not particularly, but I suspect that wasn't a real quest-**

**ASUNA: I was fighting goddamn SHEEPTAR!** "What, their still fight that boss?" the yound Fox questioned, "It's been over a month and they haven't beaten it yet?" **It was great! You should have been there! He was climbin' the walls, spittin' acid-**

**KIRITO: We're still talking about a sheep, right? Not, like, a... fluffy Xenomorph?**

**ASUNA: It's a really _stupid_ Boss!**

**KIRITO: Apparently not that stupid if it killed 7 of you.**

**ASUNA: 12 now, ***Sighs*** actually.**

"Not that much of an improvement on your part." said the Master Emerald guardian.

**KIRITO: Oh, well, that's a thing. But, I mean, you survived. So hey, silver lining.**

**ASUNA: Okay, what the hell is wrong with you?! You're way too... mellow.**

**KIRITO: Well, I had some time to kill before the raid, so I figured I'd power level my Alchemy a bit by eating some weird plants, and now everything's... just great.**

Sonic's eyes widened at the realization, "By Chaos, he's high on magic muchrooms. Kinda reminds me of some guy I've met a few times."

**ASUNA: Oh my god! I can't _believe_ this! You're the one that insisted we couldn't use the NPCs as bait! And then you go and-**

**KIRITO: Asuna, Asuna, Asuna. Look, okay? I get it. You had a really bad day, you're stressed out, 7 people died-**

**ASUNA: _12_ people!**

**KIRITO: Not the point. Look, they're dead now. And really? Whose fault is that?**

**ASUNA: _Yours_!**

"Why blame him?" asked Amy Rose, "If anything, she's responsible for leading the raid and should take the blame." Once she finished, everyone looked at her with such surprise of how mature she sounded. "What?"

**KIRITO: That's right. No ones. So why don't you lie down, relax, and watch the stars with me?**

**ASUNA: It's 2 in the afternoon! There are no stars!**

**KIRITO: Only if you're looking with your eyes.**

**ASUNA: What the hell does that mean?!**

**KIRITO: Only one way to find out.**

_**(Brief pause.)** _

**ASUNA: You'd better come down soon so I can kick your teeth in.**

"That seems a bit unnecessary." Sally said with uncertainty.

_**(Kirito wakes up sometime later. He stretches and yawns.)** _

**KIRITO (Thinking): Good nap... _(He sees Asuna asleep next to him.)_ What the...? Asuna? What is she doing here?**

_**(Some Mafia members walk by.)** _

**MOBSTER 1: Ah, looks like someone's having a good time!**

**MOBSTER 2: A boy becomes a man.**

**MOBSTER 3: ***Chuckles*** Come on guys. Let's give them some privacy.**

"Men!" the pink hedgehog gagged with disgust. To which Sonic, Tails and Knuckles eyed her with facial expressions that say: "Are you serious?"

**KIRITO (Thinking): Huh, those dudebros make interesting point. There's an... above-average girl sleeping next to me, and no one around to interrupt. I mean, as a man, there's really only one option here.**

_**(Kirito chuckles menacingly.)** _

"I don't like where this is heading." Tails uncomfortably mentioned.

_**(Cut to sunset, and Asuna wakes up with stuff drawn on her face. She sees Kirito sitting on a wall smiling at her and gasps.)** _

Sally and Amy face palm at what Kirito drew on Asuna's face. While the boys withheld their laughter to not show their immaturity.

**KIRITO: Hey sleepy head. How was your-**

_**(Asuna gets up and grabs her sword. Kirito screams.)** _

**ASUNA: Tell me what you did _right now_ , and you may live!**

**KIRITO: I drew whiskers on your face!**

The hedgehog, fox, and echidna snicker at Kirito's immediate responce.

_**(Long pause.)** _

**ASUNA: What?**

**KIRITO: I drew cat whiskers on you because I thought it would be funny, and it was!**

Suddenly for all three of them to burst out laughing uncontrollably. Meanwhie the more mature ones of them looked at them with dissappointment of their behaviour.

**ASUNA: Is... Is that all?**

**KIRITO: Um yeah? You were asleep. What else would I have done?**

_**(Asuna begins to stammer.)** _

As the males were calming down from their laughing fit, Knuckles listened to the anime characters conversation. "Oh, he's got you there."

**ASUNA: ***Between stammers*** Well... I... I-I mean... Y-You know... You- You could have... like... _(She gives up.)_ You wanna get something to eat?**

_**(Cut to Floor 57: Martin, at a restaurant named "Restaurant".)** _

**KIRITO: ***Sarcastically*** Ah, Restaurant. The finest cuisine in all of Aincrad.**

**ASUNA: Oh my god! Are you really gonna complain about a free meal? ***Sigh*** Serves me right for trying to do something nice for you.**

"Sounds familiar, right Sonic?" commented the chipmunk, recalling to one of many dates way back when.

"That was one time, and you knowit, Sal!" snapped the blue blur with panic.

**KIRITO: Yeah, remind me to draw on your face more often. I'll eat like a king. Or at least a very wealthy janitor.**

**ASUNA: ***Scoffs*** This coming from the guy who ate random plants off the ground?**

**KIRITO: Oh really? Well, who's dumber? Me, or the one who takes a nap next to some crazed drug fiend?**

**ASUNA: Need I remind you that _you_ were that drug fiend?**

**KIRITO: Pfft, I can't be held responsible for Stoned Kirito! That guy's an idiot!**

**ASUNA: Are you _kidding_ me?! You're the same person!**

Then the rosie hedgehog heard that, she remembers all the times when she mistaken Sonic for another hedgehog like him. Specifically Shadow the Hedgehog and Metal Sonic.

_**(They hear a woman scream from outside.)** _

**KIRITO: Ohhh, looks like we are out of time! We'll have to continue this next week, but in the mean time, please enjoy these lovely consolation prizes from the "Kirito is Always Right Foundation"!**

"I think I'll use that the next time we face off against Eggman." stated Sonic.

**ASUNA: Oh... my god, you're insufferable.**

_**(They run out to see a man impaled with a sword and hanging from a tower.)** _

**ASUNA: Oh my god!**

**KIRITO: Huh, look. A human piñata.**

"Com' on, really?" grunted the echidna.

**ASUNA: Kirito, he's dying!**

**KIRITO: Uh, correction: He's suffering. The town's a Safe Zone. Probably hurts like a bitch, but he's not gonna die in here.**

**???: Help... me.**

"You sure about that?" the two-tailed fox questions.

**KIRITO: Hey, man! When you pop, could you try to send the candy over this way?!**

**ASUNA: ***Exasperated sigh*** I'm gonna go cut him down, you jackass!**

**KIRITO: I'll save you a Kit Kat!**

_**(Asuna goes inside the tower, while Kirito runs towards the man.)** _

**KIRITO: Hey, anybody got, like, a 30 foot stick?! I wanna take a crack at this thing!**

"I think Shadow might have one!" chuckled Knuckles, which earned him a smack to the back of his head from Amy's Piko-Piko Hammer.

**???: Please... help.**

**KIRITO: Oh, don't be such a drama queen. Asuna's gonna have you down any-**

_**(The man appears to die, his Avatar explodes and the sword drops to the ground.)** _

**KIRITO: Huh... So, did anyone see where the candy went, or...?**

**ASUNA: For Christ's sake, Kirito! A man just died! Let it go!**

**KIRITO: Once again, Asuna, you can't die in a Safe Zone! It must have been an event or a prank! Someone messing with an NPC!**

**ASUNA: Oh, yeah! That's a real hilarious prank!**

**KIRITO: I know, right? Kinda sad _I_ didn't think of it.**

"But why would you though?" Sally wonders.

_**(A girl named Yolko walks out of the crowd toward them.)** _

**KOLKO: Um, excuse me. My name is Yolko. I... knew the man who just died.**

**KIRITO: ***Laughs awkwardly*** You, uh... You mean the NPC... right?**

**YOLKO: N-No. His name was Kains. We came into town to have dinner, but we got separated... and then... Oh god!**

_**(Yolko starts crying, while Asuna holds her.)**_

Everyone watching felt sorry for her, espically Knuckles for continuing Kirito's 'human piñata' joke.

**ASUNA: So... the "Kirito is Always Right Foundation"?**

**KIRITO: We're uh... going through a bit of a rough patch.**

"That's pitting it lightly." Amy muttered.

_**(Kirito and Asuna drop Yolko off at her hotel.)** _

**YOLKO: Thank you for walking me to my hotel. I don't really feel safe walking alone right now.**

**ASUNA: It's no trouble. But we'd like to ask you some more questions tomorrow, if that's alright.**

**YOLKO: Of course.**

**KIRITO: Yeah, and don't worry. No one could possibly get to you in there, since we're in a safe... zone...**

_**(Yolko closes the door.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Awkwardly*** Good night.**

**ASUNA: Smooth.**

"Yeah, real smooth." the blue hedgehog sarcastically said.

_**(Kirito and Asuna go for a walk.)** _

**KIRITO: Alright. Let's review: We heard a scream, ran outside, and saw the victim, hung by the neck, with a sword through his chest. I don't think it's a coincidence that this took place in the town square during the dinner rush. Someone wanted this to be seen.**

_**(Asuna suddenly stops.)** _

**ASUNA: Ah, yes. But that just raises a bigger question.**

**KIRITO: Oh? And what's that?**

**ASUNA: Why do you even _care_?!**

"Actually, that is a good question, what's he up to?" asks the boy-genius.

**KIRITO: I'm sorry. Are you asking me why I care that a man was killed?**

**ASUNA: No, I'm asking why _you_ care that a man was killed!**

**KIRITO: Forgive me, but I don't follow.**

**ASUNA: Well, let's see. Most people would, charitably, refer to you as the "Crown Prince of Douchebags", long may he reign.** "Sounds about right for someone we once knew." Sonic mentions, referring to his alternate counterpart, Scourge the Hedgehog. **Your usual reaction to human suffering is to pull up a chair and crack out the popcorn! What's your angle?!**

**KIRITO: Asuna, I am shocked and appalled that that is your opinion of me! All I want is to see justice served, and to bring that poor girl some closure.**

"Well, we all know that's not right." noted the royal chipmunk.

**ASUNA: Really? You care that much, huh? What's her name?**

**KIRITO: I'm sorry. What?**

**ASUNA: The girl's name. What... was it?**

**KIRITO: Well, um, y-you know, it, um, st- uh... d'uh... starts with an "A"...**

**ASUNA: "Y".**

**KIRITO: Right, "Y", of course! That's close. I mean, they're basically neighbors. You can understand my mistake.**

**ASUNA: Of course.**

"Not really, no." Tails 

**KIRITO: It's uh, Yo... Yo... Yo... Ya... Yooooooga Pants...?**

The guys snicker once again at Kirito's guess of Yolko's name.

**ASUNA: Yolko!**

**KIRITO: Okay, fine! God! I just wanna prove I was right! There's no way that guy's really dead; there's something else going on here, and I'm gonna prove it.**

**ASUNA: Wow, how noble of you.**

**KIRITO: Oh, spare me, Wonder Woman. You're only doing this to prove I was wrong!**

**ASUNA: _Hey_ , at least I _pretend_ to be nice to people!**

"Say what-now?" everyone questions at what Asuna just said.

**KIRITO: Yeah, whatever, uh- Wait, "pretend"?**

_**(Cut to Floor 50: Algade, with Kirito and Asuna outside a shop. Kirito enters.)** _

**KIRITO: Hey, Thunder Lion! How's it hanging?**

_**(Tiffany gets up from behind the counter.)** _

"Ah, Tiff, I've been wondering where he disappeared to after the second episode." says the Master Emerald's guardian with joy.

**TIFFANY: Kirito? Well, if it isn't my least favorite customer.**

**KIRITO: Aw, you just say that 'cause I'm not dumb enough to buy any of your crap.**

**TIFFANY: Yeah, well, if there's one upside to being trapped with these idiots, it's that they'll buy pretty much anything.**

_**(Asuna enters the shop, Tiffany gasp upon seeing her and pulls Kirito behind the counter, causing Kirito to shriek.)** _

**TIFFANY: What's the matter with you?! Why would you bring her here?! I thought we were friends!**

**KIRITO: What?! I don't understand?! What's the problem?!**

**ASUNA: ***Awkwardly*** Hey T-Dawg. What is up in dis... hizouse?**

The room was dead silent as the Mobians couldn't gather the words to say anything.

_**(There's a brief silence before Kirito begins weeps softly.)** _

**TIFFANY: Are you crying?!**

**KIRITO: ***Sniff*** There's just so much beauty in the world, you know?!**

"I'll agree with that." admitted Sonic.

_**(Cut to the three of them upstairs.)** _

**ASUNA: So dat's da sitch. Think you can scope da deets on dis gat for us, homey?**

"Oh my Chaos, this is painful." groaned Sally with cringe.

_**(There is a long uncomfortable silence as Tiffany glares at Asuna. He then turns to Kirito.)** _

**TIFFANY: Sure thing, _Kirito_. Anything for a friend.**

**ASUNA: Um, but I'm da one dat asked you, Chocolate Rain. _(Silence.)_ T-Pain? _(Silence.)_ Why you ignoring me, bro? _(Silence.)_ You got cotton in your ears? OH GOD! I-I didn't mean it like that!**

**KIRITO: I'm really sorry, Tiff. Grand Wizard Asuna here's not what you'd call a "people person".**

"Look who's talk." countered Miles Prowler.

**ASUNA: Um, excuse me?! Mr. Kettle? Mr. Pot called. HE SAYS YOU'RE BLAAAAaaaaaaaa... ck.**

**TIFFANY: What? It's a turn of phrase. It has nothing to do with race.**

"He's not wrong about that." mentioned Amy Rose.

**ASUNA: I'm sorry. It's just, you look like a very angry black man.**

"Woaw!" the Freedom Fighters called out.

**TIFFANY: Okay, now you see dat? _Dat_ was racist.**

**KIRITO: Aw, this is great. See? We're learning stuff. But in all seriousness, Tiff. Could you check out this weapon before Asuna starts a full-on race war?**

**TIFFANY: I'll try. But appraising a weapon like this ain't gonna be easy.**

_**(Tiffany picks up the sword. He then opens his menu and pushes one button.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Sarcastically*** Wow. I can see you've really mastered your craft.**

**TIFFANY: Hmm, "Guilty Thorn". Says it's player-made. Guy by the name of Grimlock. Other than that, nothing weird about it. Certainly nothing that'd let you kill in a Safe Zone.**

_**(He hands the sword to Kirito.)** _

"Wait, what's he doing?" asked a concerned chipmunk.

**KIRITO: Hmm... Well, only one way to be sure.**

_**(Kirito goes to stab his hand with the sword, but Asuna stops him.)** _

"Is he nuts!?" Tails questions.

"Given to what we've seen his like from the previous episode," answers Knuckles, "I won't put it past him."

**ASUNA: Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing?!**

**KIRITO: Well, clearly, I'm stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me- Oh god, what _am_ I doing?**

**ASUNA: This things too dangerous for you to screw around with!**

_**(Asuna takes the sword.)** _

**KIRITO: Hey!**

_**(Asuna thrusts the sword into Tiffany's face.)** _

**ASUNA: Here, T-Fizzie, _you_ take it!**

**TIFFANY: Ah, handin' da black man a murder weapon. Tale as old as time.**

"And it continues even in this day and age." commented Sonic.

_**(Cut to the next day, with Kirito, Asuna, and Yolko in Restaurant.)** _

**KIRITO: Oh, wow. Restaurant. I haven't been here in... hours! Glad to see the old place hasn't changed.**

**ASUNA: Do you really hate this place _that_ much, or do you just love the sound your own voice?**

"Honestly, I would say both." voiced the rosie hedgehog opinion.

**KIRITO: It's my gift to the world.**

**ASUNA: Hate to break it to you, sweetie, but the world wants a gift receipt.**

**KIRITO: No refunds or exchanges. Only store credit.**

"I can see these two going back and forth for hours like this." the blue hedgehog commented with excitement.

**YOLKA: Uh, I'm sorry. D-Didn't you want to ask me some questions?**

**KIRITO: Shhhhh. The grown-ups are talking.**

**ASUNA: Kirito! ***Sigh*** I'm sorry Yolko, but have you ever heard of a player named... "Grimlock"?**

_**(Yolko gasps.)** _

**KIRITO: Well, that seems pretty definitive. So, how do you know this guy? According to our investigation, he's the one who forged the sword that was used in the... incident.**

**ASUNA: Murder.**

**KIRITO: Really? Then show me the body!**

**ASUNA: There _is_ no body!**

**KIRITO: I rest my case.**

**ASUNA: It's SAO! There's _never_ a body!**

**KIRITO: Well, isn't that convenient?**

Sonic chuckles at Kirito's and Asuna's continous argument.

**YOLKO: C-Can I just jump back in here?**

**KIRITO: Yes, please! Maybe you can clear this up. Was there any reason Kains would've wanted to... fake his death?**

**YOLKO: ***Panicked*** What?! F-Fake his death? You mean... Kains isn't dead?**

**ASUNA: No, of course he's dead.**

**YOLKO: ***Relieved*** Oh... uh, right.**

**KIRITO: Now Asuna, you can't prove that he's dead. Let me give this poor girl some hope.**

**ASUNA: Oh, don't even _pretend_ that's what you're doing!**

**KIRITO: ***Groans*** Fine Asuna. I'll humor you. Yolko, why would Grimlock have wanted to make sweet love to your friend's chest with the business end of a broadsword?**

_**(Stunned silence.)** _

"What the Zone of Silence is wrong with you!?" cried out chipmunk princess.

**ASUNA: Jesus Christ, Kirito!**

**KIRITO: What? I asked her! Jeez, I just can't win with you.**

**YOLKO: Um... well. It might have had something to do with his wife's murder.**

_**(Cut to a stylized flashback.)** _

**YOLKO: Six months ago, the Guild that Kains, Grimlock, and I were part of found an extremely valuable item. Rather than fight over it, we decided to sell it and split the profits. But when Grimlock's wife, Griselda, went out to make the sale, she was killed.**

_**(Back to the present.)** _

**YOLKO: Since we were the only ones who knew about the item, we realized the killer had to be one of us, and the Guild just... fell apart.**

**ASUNA: Well, that sounds like motive to me.**

**KIRITO: Meh, I've killed for less.**

"Of course you have." sighs the echidna.

"I mean, remember back in episode three, the christmas themed one?" Tails reminded.

**ASUNA: But why would Grimlock have suspected Kains?**

**YOLKO: Well, when I said we decided to sell the item, it wasn't exactly unanimous. Kains, I, and another player voted to keep it. ***Disdainfully*** A lancer named Schmitt.**

**ASUNA: Sounds like you're not a fan.**

**YOLKO: What?! No! We're still good friends, actually.**

"Doesn't sound like it when you brough his name up." mentioned Amy.

**KIRITO: Schmitt, Schmitt. Why does that name sound familiar?**

**YOLKO: You know him?**

**KIRITO: I think so- OH GOD, NO!!!**

_**(Cuts to the hotel with Yolko, Schmitt, Kirito, and Asuna.)** _

**SCHMITT: I knew it! They're finally coming for me! It was only a matter of time! The walls are closing in!**

"He seems... paranoid." Knuckles stated.

"Look who's talking. You tried to take Tails and myself out when we first met." mentioned Sonic.

"There's a difference between being paranoid and being manipulated!" countered a defensive echidna.

**ASUNA: Is he always like this?**

**YOLKO: Only when he's stressed.**

**ASUNA: ***Sigh*** Well, that's a relief-**

**KIRITO: He's always stressed.**

**ASUNA: Goddammit!**

**YOLKO: He used to review games back in the real world, but ever since he got trapped in here, he's been terrified that his more... "verbose" commenters are going to make good on their threats.**

"I guess that seems like a rational thing to fear." admitted the two-tailed fox.

**SCHMITT: I used to laugh at their comments. You hear me?! LAUGH! But now?! What if they actually _do_ chop off my limbs, rip out my intestines, and ride me like some sort of meat toboggan!**

**KIRITO: You hear that, Asuna? "Meat toboggan". Try getting _that_ image out of your head. Grippin' his entrails like the reign of Santa's sleigh. Streaking through the fresh morning snow on a trail of bile and gore, as his eyes beg the same question as the horrified children in his wake... "Why?"**

"That sounds very sinister and horrific." Sally commented with discomfort.

**SCHMITT: Oh _god_!**

**ASUNA: Would you just shut up and let her handle this! Go on, Yolko.**

**YOLKO: Calm down. No one's going to kill you over your reviews, Schmitt.**

**SCHMITT: Really? Are you sure? My viewers... aren't comining for me?**

**YOLKO: That's right. But Grimlock is. And he's coming to deliver righteous vengeance upon us.**

_**(Schmitt makes a terrified shudder.)** _

**ASUNA: This... may have been a mistake.**

**KIRITO: I disagree. I think you've got a real flair for this.**

**ASUNA: That's not helping!**

_**(Yolko gets out of her seat.)** _

**YOLKO: Wait, no. That can't be it. Kains was killed in a Safe Zone. Grimlock couldn't be the killer.**

**KIRITO: Thank you! _Finally_ , a voice of reason.**

"Wait for it, I'm sensing something else." noticed the blue blur.

**YOLKO: IT MUST'VE BEEN GRISELDA'S GHOST!!! SHE'S RETURNED FROM BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH TO WREAK BLOODY VENGEANCE UPON US ALL!!!!!!!**

_**(Stunned silence.)** _

"Aaaaannnd there it is." Sonic called out.

**KIRITO: Did I say "reason"? Sorry, I meant the screaming monkeys that live in her brain.**

_**(Yolko sits down on the windowsill.)** _

**YOLKO: It's all our fault. We should have just done whatever Griselda wanted. There's no stopping her judgement now.**

**SCHMITT: And you're _okay_ with this?! I don't know about you, but I have a duty to my fans to survive this game. I mean, to the ones who _aren't_ threatening to use my spine as a pitching wedge.**

**ASUNA: Settle down you two! I think we can safely assume a ghost is not the culprit here. Right, Kirito?**

"And even if their was, they'll most likely be enemies lurking through certain areas of the levels." threorised Tails.

**KIRITO: Of course not. Obviously, it was a hit by the Mermaid Mafia paid in Leprechaun Gold! But who was the puppetmaster? The Unicorns? No, they've had a feud going with the Mermaids for years...**

Everyone was chuckling at Kirito's sarcastic assumption of the potential killer.

**ASUNA: Dammit, Kirito! This is serious! These people's lives are in danger!**

**KIRITO: No, they're not! For the last time! You can't die in a Safe Zone!**

_**(Yolko gets stabbed in the back and falls out the window.)** _

The Mobians froze as they saw Yolko dead.

**ASUNA: Yolko!**

_**(Kirito runs to the window to see Yolko hit the ground and exploding.)** _

**ASUNA: Kirito, is she okay?!**

**KIRITO: Well, I'm not a doctor, but... I don't like her chances.**

_**(To be continued...)** _

"Aww, quite the cliffhanger." groaned the blue hedgehog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annoucements:  
> I have more reaction-based stories coming up, such as:  
> -Characters react to Death Battle (including other fights such as Hyourinjutsu's 'What If's', DBX, One Minute Melee, etc.)  
> -??? watch Seven Deadly Schmunks  
> -'RWBY & JNPR react to Dragon Ball Z Abridged' will continue  
> -I might reboot 'Roses are red, Hedgehogs are blue'
> 
> To details  
> For the first announcement: Various characters from different fictional series will be forced into watching themselves in fights. Characters will range from game characters to anime/manga to comics.
> 
> Second annoucement: If your unaware of 'Seven Deadly Schmunks', well, basically it's an abridged version of the Seven Deadly Sins anime. And I can't think of anyone for it to be reacted too. I thought of the Z-Fighters, but I'm not sure.
> 
> Third announcement: These's not many DragonShortz episodes but I'll do them anyway.
> 
> Forth and final announcement: I've been looking back at this one a lot and I think it deverses a restart. 
> 
> What do you guys and gals thinks, I would like to hear your opinions on these things. Til next time, I'll see you around.


	7. Episode 6

**(DISCLAIMER)**

**SCHMITT: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA and Reki Kawahara. Please support the official release.**

**_(Episode picks up just as Yolko gets stabbed and falls out the window.)_ **

**ASUNA: Yolko!**

_**(Kirito runs to the window to see Yolko hit the ground and exploding.)** _

**KIRITO: Huh? _(Sees a hooded figure on the rooftop across from the window.)_ I have eyes on the suspect! Pursuing on foot!**

_**(Kirito jumps out the window.)** _

"Yes! An action scene!" cheered Knuckles.

**ASUNA: Kirito, wait!**

**KIRITO: SHIT!**

_**(We hear Kirito hit a window and go tumbling through a house, making painful groans. A bunch of dogs then growl and bark at him.)** _

**KIRITO: Aw, come on!**

The freedom Fighters then laughed at Kirito's situation.

_**(Cut to Opening.)** _

_**(Cut to Kirito coming back into the room. Schmitt is shivering in his chair.)** _

**ASUNA: Soooo. Did you catch him?**

**KIRITO ( **Embarrassed):** No. He got away.**

"Hey, at least you tried." encouraged Tails.

**ASUNA: Really? I figured some random perp would be no match for the world's greatest detective. Oh wait no, that's _Batman_! And you're not Batman, are you? You will _never_ be Batman.**

**KIRITO: Hey, FUCK YOU!** The Mobians were taken aback to Kirito's outburst. **_(_ _Kirito hits the wall, making Schmitt jump and Asuna raise her eybrow. There is a brief silence.) ( **Clears throat)**_ That, uh, cut surprisingly deep. Well played.**

**SCHMITT: She was right. Griselda's ghost really is coming for us! And now, I'm the only one left! Soon, she'll ride my bloated corpse up the river Styx, and escape to the world of the living... and then... there'll be no stopping her! _(Schmitt starts laughing insanely.)_**

**ASUNA: Great, and now we have to deal with _that_. ***Sighs*** So, what's our next move Ki-**

_**(Kirito is gone, making a Batman sound effect. Asuna just stares at where he once was.)** _

_**(Cuts to Kirito and Asuna on a park bench.)** _

**ASUNA: I can't believe you just left me with that guy!**

**KIRITO: Really? What part of that was out of character for me?**

"He's got you there." admitted Sally.

**ASUNA: ***Sigh*** Fair enough. Not sure if I should even give you this, but here.**

**KIRITO: Hmm?**

_**(Asuna hands Kirito a sandwich.)** _

**KIRITO: You made this? But wouldn't you have had to have-**

**ASUNA: If you say "open your menu", I'm gonna stab you in the eye.**

Everyone shivered at Asuna's threat.

**KIRITO: W-What? N-No. I was just going to say- _(He muffles himself by shoving the sandwich into his mouth.)_ Huh, this is actually really good.**

**ASUNA: Riiiight. So anyway, I think we should go over what we know so far.**

**KIRITO: Why? I figured the whole thing out hours ago.**

**ASUNA: You WHAT?!**

_**(Asuna stomps her foot onto the ground, startling Kirito and he drops his sandwich, and it explodes.)** _

Sonic's eyes widened at what he witnessed, feeling what Kirito is going through. 

**KIRITO: My sandwich... It was innocent.**

_**(Kirito collapses to the ground. There's a long silence.)** _

**ASUNA: Kirito are you gonna-**

**KIRITO: SHHHH! I must grieve.**

"Seems a bit overdramatic." discouraged Amy.

"Hey, don't mess with the hogs' dogs." defended the blue hedgehog.

"...What?" the pink hedgehog questioned.

"Oh, uh, sorry." apologied Sonic, "I guess I'm a bit too defensive other my chili dogs."

_**(Cut to Floor 19: Cross Hill, Griselda's Grave. Schmitt is on his knees begging.)** _

**SCHMITT: I'm sorry, Griselda! I never meant for anything to happen to you! I'll do anything to make it right! Please!**

**???: ***Eerily*** Oh really?**

_**(A ghostly hooded figure appears in front of Schmitt. Schmitt covers his mouth and stifles a scream.)** _

"If that's not terrfying, I don't know what is." the echidna commented.

"The whole world witnessed Dark Gaia creatures and we battled Dark Gaia himself." reminded the chipmunk princess.

"Yeah, and we've seen ghost's before, so this isn't new to us." stated the two-tailed fox.

**GHOST: What did you do to me, Schmitt? What did you do?**

_**(The ghost draws her sword.)** _

**SCHMITT: G-Griselda. Oh god! Please don't kill me! I'll do anything!**

_**(Another ghost appears.)** _

**GHOST 2: Answer the question, Schmitt. What did you do...?**

**SCHMITT: What do you want?! Scalps?! I can get you scalps!**

**GHOST 2: ***Looses composure*** W-What?! NO! ***Slowly regains it*** Uh, no. No. No... We just want to know-**

"What is happening right now?" Amy questions.

"I... have no idea." Sally admits.

**SCHMITT: Oh, I see. You're an orphan blood man! Do you prefer your victims pre-drained, or do you like to get your hands dirty?**

**GHOST 1: Jesus Christ, Schmitt.**

**SCHMITT: Oh, so you like them crucified? Well, that'll be a bit trickier, but I'm sure I can work something out!**

**KAINS & YOLKO: Just _stop_!**

**SCHMITT: Uh... huh? _(Schmitt looks up to see Yolko and Kains have removed their hoods.)_ Yolko? Kains?**

"Wait, what?!" everyone confusionly asks.

**KAINS: Yeah. It's us, you idiot!**

**SCHMITT: Ohhhhh... So, where are we on the whole orphan blood, thing? We talking heads or liters?**

**KAINS: For the love of- We're not ghosts!**

**YOLKO: We faked our deaths!**

"Well, that explains the whole 'can't die in a safe zone' thing." noted Tails.

**KAINS: Seriously, Schmitt? How many people would you have killed if we'd asked you to?**

**SCHMITT: That's not important.**

**KAINS: I DISAGREE!**

_**(Schmitt is suddenly hit with something and he falls to the ground.)** _

**KAINS: Schmitt...?**

_**(Schmitt looks at his health bar and sees that he's paralyzed. Two Laughing Coffin members appear, one holds Yolko and Kains at sword point and the other walks towards Schmitt, laughing manically, and squats down.)** _

**???: ***Deranged voice*** One down! Wait... ♪ I know you. ♪ You're Schmitt, from "Piece of Schmitt Games"!**

"I don't know whether to laugh at Schmitt's show name or at this guy's attempt of a creepy voice." wondered the blue blur.

**YOLKO: Please tell me that's not what you called your show.**

**???: Oh, this is great! I'm a _huge_ fan! Tell me, do you remember a user by the name of... "Johnny... Black"?**

**SCHMITT: ***Terrified whisper*** "Meat toboggan"...**

**JOHNNY BLACK: You remember! That's _so_ flattering! Hey, while I've got you here, I'd like to meet my friends.**

_**(The leader, Jeffrey, emerges from behind the tree, brandishing a large Meat Cleaver.)** _

**JEFFREY: ***Deep raspy voice*** "And Samson said, 'With an ass's jawbone, I have made asses of them. With an ass's jawbone, I have killed a thousand men.'"**

"Hu, what?" the Master Emerald guardian confusingly questions. As does everyone else watching.

**_(Confused silence.)_ **

**YOLKO: Huh?**

_**(Johnny Black sighs.)** _

**JEFFREY: ***Normal voice*** What?**

**JOHNNY BLACK: ***Normal voice*** It- It's nothing. Forget it.**

**JEFFREY: No, no! You sighed! That's not nothing!**

**JOHNNY BLACK: ***Sigh*** Boss, I get what you're going for. Bible quoting serial killer. It's a great motif. Classic... But... it's a big book. They're not all gonna be gems.**

**JEFFREY: Okay, bigshot. Name one verse that's scarier than that!**

**JOHNNY BLACK: Oh, I don't know. How about "no flesh shall be spared"?**

"Okay, that one's better." Sonic pointed out.

**JEFFREY: What?!**

**JOHNNY BLACK:** **"No flesh shall be spared"? ...Mark 13:20?**

**JEFFREY: Holy shit! That's in the bible?**

**JOHNNY BLACK: Have... you ever actually _read_ the bible?**

"I can't believe that this is happening in the middle of a murder." sighed Sally.

_**(Kains, Yolko and Schmitt look confused as the two argue.)** _

**JEFFREY: Look, we're getting off-track. I'm the Guild leader, and I say my verse was better.**

**JOHNNY BLACK: Look, it's not just about the verse, okay? Don't you think the whole "Jesus tells me to kill" thing is... holding us back? Plus... you're not even all that good at it.**

**JEFFREY: How _dare_ you! The J-Man's teachings inform everything I do! Now, if you'll excuse me... _(Jeffrey clears his throat.)_ ***Deep raspy voice*** ...it's time to do God's work. Because as Jesus once said: "Schmitches get stitches".**

"'Schmitches' isn't even a word." corrected the boy-genuis.

**JOHNNY BLACK: That's not even a word, much less- ***Annoyed sigh*** Forget it. Let's just kill these guys and go.**

_**(Jeffrey raises his Cleaver, and is about to kill Schmitt, causing Schmitt to wince, when he hears a horse coming towards them.)** _

**JEFFREY: Hmm?**

**JOHNNY BLACK: Oh, what is it now?!**

_**(We see Kirito riding in, all the Laughing Members form a battle stance.)** _

"Oh look, the knight in shining armour." cheered Amy.

**KAINS: Oh, thank goodness, we're-**

_**(The horse rears up and Kirito falls off, screaming as he lands butt first on the ground.)** _

**KAINS: ...saved.**

**YOLKO: Y-Yay?**

"Yeah, some knight!" Sonic laughed.

**KIRITO: Stupid horse! That entrance was almost perfect!**

**YOLKO: I thought you looked really cool, Kirito!**

**KIRITO: Don't patronize me, Yoga Pants!**

**YOLKO: "Yoga Pants"?**

_**(Kirito slaps the horse and it runs off.)** _

**JEFFREY: And who, pray tell, are you? What business do you have here?**

**KIRITO: ***Raspier voice*** Detective Kirito, Aincrad P.D. I'm on the hunt for a serial killer, and these three are the only witnesses. I'm gonna need you gentlemen to put down your weapons.**

"Looks like things are about to get interesting." Knuckles hoped.

**JEFFREY: I'm afraid that's impossible, officer. The Lord has ordered these sinners _dead_ , in the form of a guy who paid us 50 bucks.**

"What?" everyone questioned.

_**(Kirito coughs.)** _

**KIRITO: ***Normal voice*** 50 bucks? Selling yourselves a bit cheap, don't you think? You guys provide an essential, in-demand service, and you're definitely the leaders in your field. You're Laughing Coffin! I mean, you gotta cash in on that name recognition!**

**JOHNNY BLACK: That's what I keep telling him! But the high-paying clients won't touch us. They take _one look_ at Reverend Killjoy over here, and think we're a bunch of _crazy_ people!**

"But aren't crazy anyway?" wondered Tails.

"More likely than not, bud." the blue hedgehog admitted.

**KIRITO: Exactly! You could reach a much wider demo if you just tone down the religious theme. What you guys need is a total rebranding. Ad campaign. PR blast. Get your faces out there. Let people know you're not just about the fire and brimstone! You are multi-faceted, three-dimensional killing machines, and you've got a little something for everyone, because contract killing... is a beat we can all dance to.**

"Is he seriously helping them with how to do business." Sally groaned in annoyance. Remembering the many times that Sonic has pulled off a similar stunt.

**JOHNNY BLACK: Ooo, man. I got chills.**

_**(Jeffrey snaps his fingers, causing all the members to put their weapons away. Yolko drops to the ground in relief.)** _

**JEFFREY: You've given us much to think about, young man. As payment, the lives of these sinners are now yours to command. But just know, "It is by grace you have been saved. Through faith... not by works".**

"Okay, that one sounded alot better that the previous ones." said the pink hedgehog.

_**(Laughing Coffin leaves.)** _

**JOHNNY BLACK: Hey, that one was actually pretty good, Jeff.**

**JEFFREY: ***Normal voice*** Thanks! Jesus told me to say it!**

"And it's ruined." she continued.

**JOHNNY BLACK: O... Okay then...**

_**(Kirito puts his sword away.)** _

**KIRITO: Huh, so I own you guys now? That's cool. Can't wait to tell Tiff about this.**

**YOLKO: Not to sound ungrateful, Kirito, but what are you doing here?**

**KIRITO: Why, Yolko. We've come this far. I wasn't about to miss the endgame.**

**KAINS: I'm sorry. What are you-**

**KIRITO: FOR YOU SEE!! I suspected all along that Kains' death was a nothing more than a ruse. The Safe Zones surrounding the towns are an immutable law of this game. Even still, that light show you put on was quite convincing... So, I did a little digging, and lo and behold, turns out that Floor 57 has this _fascinating_ little glitch that swaps the boring old teleport animation for the snazzy death version. The real kicker? The glitch only works if the game thinks you're in freefall. Like say, and I'm just spitballing here, you were to hang yourself from a bell tower, or perhaps, take a swan dive out a window. Pair that with a well hidden Teleport Crystal, and you'd have an instant recipe for "Mysterious Death". Serves one per conspirator, may contain trace amounts of ♪ "called it". ♪**

"Okay, wasn't expecting that." mentioned the chipmuck princess.

**YOLKO: But like I said in the hotel room, a ghost wouldn't have to follow the rules of the game. How did you realize I was lying?**

**KIRITO: Ah, well, that part was quite simple. You see... I'm not an idiot.**

**KAINS: Yeah, that'd do it.**

"Yeah, that'd do it." echoed the echidna.

**YOLKO: Shut up, Kains. I thought it was clever.**

**KIRITO: Of course, I do have some evidence, if you're into that sort of thing.**

_**(We see the clip of Kirito jumping out the window and the killer running along the roof, using a Teleport Crystal to teleport away.)** _

**KIRITO: After your quote-un-quote "death", I leapt out the window to give chase after your apparent killer. As I watched them get away, my first thought was, "Why would a ghost need a Teleport Crystal?" My second thought was, "Oh shit, window."**

_**(We see a window slide in front of the shot of the killer.)** _

**PAST KIRITO: SHIT!!!**

The Mobians chuckled at Past Kirito's reaction.

_**(Back to the present.)** _

**KIRITO: And with that, much like that window, the cracks in your facade started to form. Your reaction when I suggested Kains faked his death, your barely hidden disdain for Schmitt, the stupid ghost thing? It all made sense! You and Kains were in this together, and for whatever reason, you had decided to fake your deaths. Of the three members who voted to keep the item, that only left Schmitt, and since he _obviously_ wasn't in on it, that little bit of Shakespeare must have been for _his_ benefit.**

"I'll admit, he's pretty good so far." Tails commenting on Kirito's detective skills.

**YOLKO: But how could you know that? We could have been working with him to scare you off, or something.**

**KIRITO: _(Kirito bursts out laughing.)_ Right! As if anyone would let _that_ moron in on a conspiracy. A friggin' landmine deals with pressure better than him, and would kill fewer people!**

**SCHMITT: Hey!**

**KIRITO: Finally, that left only one possibility: The two of you think Schmitt was the one who killed Griselda, and you planned this whole farce in order to finally scare him into confessing.**

**KAINS: Right... Look, you seem to have put a lot of thought into this...**

"Oh, you have no idea." mentioned Amy Rose.

**KIRITO: Well, someone had to.**

_**(Kains glares at Kirito.)** _

**KAINS: ***Annoyed*** ... _but_... this whole thing still leaves me with one question... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!**

**YOLKO: I'm sorry, Kains. I entangled him in our web of lies.**

**KAINS: _WHYYYY_?!**

**YOLKO: Well... I mean... it was very important that he... U-Um... Huh...**

"Well shot, he's gotta there." noticed the blue blur.

**KIRITO: Well, it looks like my work here is done. I shall bid you adieu. After all, I'm sure you three have a lot to talk about.**

**KAINS: That's right, Schmitt. You were the only other person who wanted to keep the item! It had to be you!**

**YOLKO: ***On the verge of tears*** How could you kill her, Schmitt? She was your friend! Did you really need the item that badly?**

**SCHMITT: What? Are you kidding me?! You guys are my friends! You know I could never do something like that!**

**YOLKO: How _dare_ you act like our friend after what you've _done_!**

**KIRITO: Oh, right. Totally forgot. I should probably mention he didn't do it.**

**KAINS: Are you _kidding_ me?!**

**YOLKO: Would you stop jerking us around?!**

**KIRITO: What? I just thought you guys might like to know. You seemed pretty interested in the subject.**

**KAINS: It _had_ to be him! There are no other suspects!**

**KIRITO: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Isn't that right... Grimlock?**

"Wait what?" gasped Sally.

_**(Yolko gasps and falls into Kains' arms. But no one comes.)** _

**KIRITO: I said, "Isn't that right, _Grimlock_?"!**

_**(Nothing happens.)** _

**YOLKO: Gasp?**

**KIRITO: ***Annoyed sigh*** I SAID-**

**ASUNA: Dammit, Kirito! We're coming!**

_**(Asuna finally arrives with Grimlock, holding him at sword point.)** _

**KIRITO: Come on! I had this all timed out and everything!**

**ASUNA: Well, I'm sorry! _Shockingly_ , he wasn't very _cooperative_!**

**KAINS: Oh, goddammit! Who's this now?!**

**YOLKO: I... kind of entangled her, too.**

**KAINS: Christ, Yolko! How big is this web?! You're catching _school buses_ in this thing!**

**ASUNA: Hey, it's a good thing she did! If she hadn't forgotten to delete me from her friends list, we never would have known where to find you.**

_**(Kains is dumbfounded.)** _

**KAINS: You forgot to delete your friends list...? We've been planning this... for _6_ months... and you forgot to delete your _FRIENDS LIST_?!!!**

**YOLKO: I'm sorry! I kept having trouble with the menu!**

**KAINS: Are you kidding me?! A child could figure it out!**

_**(Kirito stifles laughter.)** _

The boys were chuckling at Kains reaction towards Yolko.

**ASUNA: Shutty... Hey! You two! We just gift-wrapped your friend's killer for you! You maybe want to react, here?**

**KAINS: Oh, please! How could Grimlock be the killer? He was helping us!**

**KIRITO: ***Sarcastically*** Yeah. I mean, why would a killer _ever_ wanna force someone else to confess to his crime?**

_**(Kains stares at Kirito. He then closes his eyes.)** _

**KAINS: ***Sighs*** Go on...**

**KIRITO: For you see!**

**KAINS: Goddammit.**

**KIRITO: Schmitt would've had nothing to gain from Griselda's death. If he'd killed her, the item would've simply been destroyed along with her avatar.**

**KAINS: Really? _That's_ your proof? Bandits extort people out of items all the time!**

**KIRITO: Ah! A valid point. But tell me. Do you think Schmitt would've trusted a stranger to do the job?**

**KAINS: Well, no...**

**KIRITO: Well, then, you must think Schmitt was skilled enough to have killed Griselda one-on-one. Or perhaps smart enough to catch her unawares?**

_**(Kains and Yolko have a look of shocked realization.)** _

**KAINS: Oh my god. Schmitt's not the killer.**

**SCHMITT: Aw, c'mon!**

**KAINS: So then, why the hell were you apologizing to Griselda?**

"Well he's paranoid as all hell, I won't blame him for it." stated Miles Prowler.

**SCHMITT: Hey, people threatened to kill me for giving Pokemon: V &R a 7 out of 10! At this point, I've learned to just assume the position.**

**YOLKO: But just because Schmitt didn't do it, doesn't mean that Grimlock did. He _loved_ Griselda! They were the perfect couple!**

**KIRITO: And it's that very reason that made me suspect him. You see, SAO has a little known and rarely used feature: Married players share inventory space. He could've stolen the item from his own inventory at any time, and with his wife dead, no one would be the wiser, and he'd get to keep all of those sweet profits for himself.**

"I'm surprised how well-planned out this is." said as surprised Sally Acorn.

**GRIMLOCK: Are you mad?! I didn't kill my wife for something as trivial as money! No. My story is... far more tragic.**

_**(Cut to flashback.)** _

**GRIMLOCK: We were so in love. In all our time together, we never had a single fight. But then... one night... everything changed.**

**GRISELDA: I'm sorry, honey. I didn't have time to make dinner. I have to go meet Yolko and the girls to strategize for the raid. But there's still some leftovers in the fridge. Don't worry. I'll make it up to you tomorrow. Love you!**

**GRIMLOCK: And just like that, I realized the woman I loved was _gone_. I was devastated. How could she betray me like this? Clearly, if I was to preserve her memory... to hold on to the angel she once was... something drastic had to be done. So you see, _boy_. I didn't kill Griselda. I killed the thing that took her place.**

The Freedom Fighters were shocked by Grimlock's story. "So," Sonic started, "you killed your wife, just because she didn't cook you your dinner?"

"That's kinda messed up." admitted Knuckles.

**KIRITO: Wow, okay. Um, let me see if I got this. You killed your wife because she wouldn't get in the kitchen and make you a _sandwich_?!**

**GRIMLOCK: And what man would blame me?! Kains? Schmitt? You guys know what I'm talking about!**

"Technically yes," Tails admitted, "but actually no."

**KAINS: Don't... Don't talk to us, man.**

**KIRITO: I can't believe you. You had something special. Something most people spend their whole lives looking for. And you just threw it away. And over what? A lousy meal? You never really loved her. You just wanted to possess her. You disgust me!**

**GRIMLOCK: Kid, someday, you'll understand what it's like to be in love.**

**KIRITO: You son of a-**

_**(Asuna cuts Kirito off and walks in front of Grimlock.)** _

**ASUNA: Hold it, Kirito. I've got something I've been holding in for a while. Grimlock? That hat makes you look like a _hipster_!**

Amy and Sally facepalmed their faces at Asuna's comment.

**GRIMLOCK: ***Gasp*** No! No, it can't be true... The- The clerk said it looked wonderful on me.**

_**(Grimlock falls to his knees and trails off mumbling to himself about how his hat looks great.)** _

**KIRITO: What? No, bullshit! I had to go to a dark place to pull out that masterpiece! It was full emotion that scare and confuse me. Now come on, get up! We're doing this again! And this time, you're not gonna fold just 'cause that hat makes it look like John Lennon joined the Mafia!**

**GRIMLOCK: Oh _god_!**

**KIRITO: See? There's no challenge in it! ***Sigh*** Verbal abuse, man. It's a lost art.**

"I guess your right." signed the blue hedgehog.

**KAINS: Wow. 6 months of investigation, and we thought Schmitt did it. ***Sighs*** Look, Kirito. I know we didn't start off on the best foot, but I suppose we'd be dead if it wasn't for you so... thanks.**

**KIRITO: ***Tearing up*** You guys were the best slaves a boy could have.**

The Freedom Fighters laughed at Kirito's snarky comment.

**KAINS: Fuck it! I tried! You all saw it!**

_**(Kains, Schmitt, and Yolko carry Grimlock away.)** _

**GRIMLOCK: Where are you taking me?**

**KAINS: We're gonna make sure you get the help you need, buddy. Behind this tree.**

"I don't even want to know what they're going to do with him." shiffered the pink hedgehog in fear.

"It's probably best that you didn't know." stated Knuckles, having a rough idea on what they have in store for Grimlock.

_**(The sun rises, and we hear Grimlock being beaten up by his former Guild mates in the background, gradually getting louder as they do.)** _

**KIRITO: Well, that was an interesting diversion. We should probably be getting back to the front lines, soon.**

**ASUNA: I'm only gonna say this once, so you'd better listen.**

**KIRITO: Hmm?**

**ASUNA: That stuff you said? About finding someone special? It was... nice to see you have a sensitive side.**

"Yeah, sounds like a rarity nowadays." sighed Amy.

**KIRITO: Hey, hey! Would you keep it down with that? Look, if this is about me being right about everything, I forgive you, okay?**

**ASUNA: Dammit, Kirito! I'm trying to be nice and have a moment here, which isn't easy with _some_ people being SO LOUD!**

_**(Kains, Yolko and Schmitt stop beating up Grimlock.)** _

**SCHMITT: Sorry, Asuna! We're just about done here!**

**GRIMLOCK: Wait! NononoNONONONO-**

_**(Grimlock's neck gets snapped and he dies.)** _

**ASUNA: ***Sigh*** That's better. As for you...**

**KIRITO: Hey, uh, Asuna. Good... Good job figuring out we could track them from your friends list. I never friend anyone, so I probably would have never thought of it.**

**ASUNA: Hmm. Well, then as a reward, you can treat me to breakfast. We never did finish our meal the other day...**

_**(Asuna starts to walk away, Kirito pulls on Asuna's arm, and she turns back around.)** _

**ASUNA: Hmm? What is it...?**

_**(Kirito points. Asuna then sees Griselda's ghost standing by the tree. Asuna gasps.)**_

"What the..." everyone questioned with confusion.

**GRISELDA: Thank you... for freeing me. Now, my soul can finally-**

_**(Kirito suddenly screams and throws his sword at her, which goes through her.)** _

**ASUNA: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!**

**KIRITO: I DON'T KNOW! JUST RUN! RUN!!!**

**ASUNA: OH MY GOD!  
**

_**(Kirito and Asuna scream. Griselda makes an annoyed sigh.)** _

The Mobians burst out laughing at Kirito's and Asuna's reaction to Griselda's ghost.

_**(Cut to the outro.)** _

**_(Kirito and Asuna are then seen sitting in Restaurant. Suddenly Kirito realizes something.)_ **

**KIRITO: ***Gasp*** Oh shit! I completely forgot!**

**ASUNA: Hmm? What is it, Kirito?**

**KIRITO: Dammit! I hope it's not too late.**

**ASUNA: What? Was there something we missed?**

_**(Suddenly there are party sounds and a holographic banner that says "Kirito is Always Right Foundation! Grand Reopening!".)** _

**KIRITO: Boom! Kirito is Always Right Foundation! Grand Reopening!**

The boys continued laughing at Kirito's made-up foundation.

_**(Kirito laughs maniacally. Asuna growls and grabs her fork and goes to stab Kirito, to which he shrieks.)** _

_**(Cut to the Logo with a knife in it's eye.)** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!


End file.
